Oh, Mother.

Sometimes I really miss my Mum. I don't really know what to miss, since she passed away when I was a year old. But I guess I miss having that closeness that all my other friends seem to have with their Mums. And I guess I miss having that person, the one and only person who knows me inside out. Well, that's what I'm hoping would've been the case, had my Mum survived her cancer.

There used to be a time when I hated her. I hated her for leaving me. For abandoning me. For dying. I hated her for letting me live in a world where there was no room for someone without a Mum.

I hated her for leaving me with a Dad so filled of mourning over the wife he'd lost, that he forgot about his child due to alcoholfumed nights, mornings and afternoons.

I hated her for leaving me with my Grandparents who only seemed to think I was in their way (I now know that wasn't the case, but feeling abandoned as a child can make you think weird things. Although I'm not saying my childhood with them was easy with a Grandfather who bullied us into submission and a Grandmother too respectful and maybe too scared to stand up to him.)

And then I started hating myself for hating her. Because I knew, it wasn't her fault. She didn't choose to get cancer. She didn't choose to die. She didn't chose to leave me. It just happened.

As this dawned on me, that it just happened for no reason, that it wasn't her fault or mine, I started to hate God. Why would he take her from me? Why couldn't he have taken someone elses Mum? Why take someone at all? Because I needed to blaim someone. It's easier to cope that way...

I used to lie awake at night, fantasising about it all being a mistake. My Mum would come and get me. My Dad would stop drinking. And we would all live happily ever after. Realising that my fantasy would never ever come true used to kill me a little bit inside every day. Until I stopped. Until I realised. Things happen for a reason. (Be it destiny or fate.)

I became a mother myself. I looked down at her little face. Filled with this love I realised that without my history, without all that happened to me, I wouldn't have had my daughter. I wouldn't get to feel her tiny arms around me, whispering "I love you Mummy". I wouldn't get to wake up each and every day with her warm breath against my cheek.

Because of my own Mum passing, I get to experience what she never did. And I believe that through me, if I just wish hard enough, she gets to feel what I'm feeling when I'm holding my daughter... Hoping that she is as proud of me of what I've accomplished as I am of myself!

Hurt

I don't know where to start. I went to a party last Friday with some friends who are not aquianted to Mr.E. Or so I thought. Now, thing is, my friend S has started to slowly date Mr.E's friend D.

S told me the night of the party that D had asked to come and to bring two friends. S of course asked him who his friends were. Not Mr.E. (Thank God).

So, got to the party, had a real great time. I'd brought one of my old friends from Secondary School with me who'd called me out of the blue the weekend before. I'd found out that he is now single again. (Fabulous!!)

As I was sitting there drinking my second glass of wine I could see S and D entering. Behind them was...Mr.E. S looked at me trying to mouth something to me but all I could see was him. How dare he? How dare he ruin my night?, was all I could think. Granted he looked nervous when he saw me. But he's the one who told me that I should go look for someone else. Then what is he doing here now? (S told me later that D had said to start with, that Mr.E was going out with some other guys, but as they went to pick up D's friends he'd told S that Mr.E was coming too. Out of the blue. When they boys got in the taxi the other two was annoyed that they were going to some dude's Birthday party, but Mr.E was adamant, he wanted to go.)

The rest of the night is somewhat a blur. Not due to drinking too much, but being so angry and humiliated. What he was doing there I will probably never find out....

He tried to talk to me and dance with me. I was having none of it. I was being nice and polite, not wanting him to see how it all affected me. But ever since I've been thinking why, why did he come? Does he have feelings for me? Is it all a game? But why would he attend a Birthday party of someone he doesn't even know if it's just a game to him? Why go through all that trouble?

I don't know. And part of me doesn't even want to know. But there is a teeny tiny bit of my heart that wonders: does he feel the same as I do?

Not that I want a relationship with him. I just wish that I wasn't alone in feeling like this. I just wish that he was hurting too. Just like me.

Freedom

I know I've said it before, and I'm saying it again. But the only difference is: this time I truly mean it. Mr.E is now forever banned from my life (except of course on the odd occasion when we'll be forced to share space when we happen to go to the same parties...since stopping to share a bed together doesn't include dividing our friends up...)

I feel oddly free today. I do feel sad, but free. And sort of happier. I can't do this to Little F anymore. She was getting attached to someone who wasn't going to be there for her in the long run. And I couldn't let that happen.

Trying to be friends with someone who doesn't seem to be able to keep his hands to himself, but still urging me to find someone else, is not the one I need in my life. He's out!! No more.

Weird thing is. I didn't even feel it was necessary to tell him all these things I was feeling. I couldn't even be asked. Enough is enough.

I'm gonna finish off by quoting Rachel from Friends; "We're soooo over!"

She

Soon another Christmas has past. And I don't know where all the years have gone. Little F's fourth Christmas. And she's now turned into quite a lady. My little lady. She's the one thing in my life that's constant. My funny little girl.

On Sunday a celebrity visited our town. He was in the Swedish version of Idol. His name is Markus Fagervall. He's an exceptional singer and I hope he'll do well in the future.

So, we went there to see him sing (I was babysitting my seven-year-old Goddaughter at the time who absolutely adores him, so does Little F). We were going to get them a signed CD as well. Little F has got this stuffed toy called Zippy that she wanted to give him, so we brought it.

We got to the table he was sitting at after he'd sung. The girls said hello and Little F gave him the toy. So far all is good...until we'd walked outside. I looked back at Little F, and there she was, crying her little eyes out. I asked what was wrong. "I want Zippy baaaaaaack", she wailed. So, we had to go all the way back and ask for her toy back. (Highly embarrasing.) Fortunately I had a friend working there selling his CD's, so she got the toy back for us (phew).

Today at school I met my friend, and she told me that Markus had laughed at the situation, saying that it was really funny, this little girl giving him a toy and then taking it back minutes later. He'd said that it was like pulling a rug from under his feet saying; you can't have my toy, you're not good enough. (Haa haha ha)

My little F. My hero. My darling child who always manages to put a smile on my face. I'm so happy that she's here in the world bringing all this happiness into my life.

Trouble Is A Friend

Trouble, He will find You
no matter where You go.
No Matter if You're fast,
no matter if You're slow.
The eye of the storm
and the cry in the morn.
You're fine for a while
but You start to lose control.

He's there in the dark.
He's there in my heart.
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part.
Trouble is a friend,
yea trouble is a friend
of mine.

Trouble is a friend
but trouble is a foe.
And no matter what I feed Him
He always seems to grow.
He sees what I see
and He knows what I know.
So don't forget as You
ease on down the road.

He's there in the dark.
He's there in my heart.
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part.
Trouble is a friend,
yea trouble is a friend
of mine.

So don't be alarmed
if He takes You by the arm.
I won't let Him win,
but I'm a sucker for His charm.
Trouble is a friend,
yea trouble is a friend
of mine.

Oh how I hate the way He makes me feel.
And how I try to make Him leave.
I try.

Lenka

The Riddle

Have you ever really sat down to think about life? Your life? What you want out of if? - I realise that I haven't. Not really. Life is a riddle. And the more I think of it, the harder it gets to get the knack of all the little pieces of the riddle.

So, I sat down tonight with a piece of paper and a pen and tried to scribble down this riddle of mine that is my life. Not the easiest task to follow through. I'm not even half finished. I mean, my life hasn't barely started if you ask me. Well, here goes:

1. A number 1 hit in The US
2. My own football team
3. Become a fire figther
4. Join the police (hopefully soon to be ticked off the list)
5. Be a mother (aaaaa *tick*)
6. Work abroad (*tick*)
8. To be loved (Thanks Nova for reminding me, *tick*)
9. To love (well, I totally include Little F in that, so *tick*)
10.Go on all the rollercoasters in the world

Now, that is my list so far. Not many ticks. But most of these items on my list are from when I was about 11 years old. I need a new one. These are brainshattering matters, if you must know. Urgent. Espesially when I have to study for an exam I have tomorrow....

But let me tell you, no matter how old, I will always want to go on all of those rollercoasters. Cos they're the best. Just like life.

With A Little Help From My Friends

I've come to the conclusion that my hopeless love life has taken up most of my time. I've managed to forget all about my goal in life: to get the grades to get into the Police Academy.

This realisation lies heavy on my shoudlers. How did it happen? (Just a rhetorical question. I know how it happened.) My feelings got the best of me. But no more. I'm back in the game, hopefully not too late.

See, I know myself. And eventhough I'm now an adult (not the words I would use, but hey...) I still make the same mistakes as I did when I was younger. I used to let men define me. I used to let men get the best of me. I used to let men run my life. But no more. As I said, I'm back in the game. Enough is enough and I need to ride right into the eye of the storm that is my grades.

I've now started taking long walks with friends to clear my head (we take a 2-hour walk every other day now, Little F in the buggy) and I've started to feel more and more invigorated for every time. I've lost just under half a stone in a couple of months (5 kilograms) and managed to score a few new muscle groups in the process. Yeey me!

I'm beginning to feel better about myself again. Finally. No man needed to fill that gap. I've done it all by myself (and of course with a little help from my friends - Thank Yous are being handed out to the rightful owners!!!).

Look at me, I'm surfing!!!

The Heart Brings You Back

My birthday has come and gone and so has my sanity. I'm right back where I started. And I honestly don't know how to stop myself. Of course, you think, Mr.E. And yes, it's him...again. Why is it that we can't keep away?

I'm going to quote another Blogger who is one of the greatest that I've read. Her name is Tia and I've linked her blog so that you'll all be able to visit her and become mesmerized by her. She wrote something in her blog that made my heart stop, because eventhough she wrote about being young and reminiscing about that first love, what she wrote in a way also applied to what I'm feeling right now.

"Not knowing where I stand with you makes it worse.
Even though your tongue drips honey coated lies
drips baby I love yous
drips bullshit about your half-assed ambitions
drips sweet silly talk about a future that’ll never be ours.
Complicating it further is that girl we don’t talk about.
/.../
You love her too? Great, good for you.
Lately you've been loving her long-distance from my bed
making me wonder who you’re really thinking of when the lights are out."

From: A Reading from the Book of Tia, Nov 10 2008 http://clevergirlgoesblog.com

It speaks to the heart. It speaks volumes of truth, no matter the age you are. Everyone can feel like that. The insecurity. The hope of being The One. The realisation of that never becoming the truth. The break of a heart.

No matter how hard I try I can't get him out of my head. He's stuck in there. Refusing to leave. He can't just be using me for his own benefits? No man would try this hard. Why would he? He's got other options, so why stick with me?

I can still smell him. I can still feel his touch. I can still feel his heart beating against mine with as much anger and hope and longing.

Aftertaste

This is the new us. We're now friends nothing more. He helps me sending out cv's to get Christmas jobs, and I'm helping out with...well, nothing really... Looking gorgeous so he'll never forget me, I guess. Ha ha ha.

Jokes aside. We've decided to take it slow. He was so hurt by my drunken antics. He nearly cried trying to talk to me. I did remind him about what he did, and that I decided to give him a second chance, and he agreed. I felt really bad, but so did he. He said that he only said what he said as a reaction to what I'd done. And that he wants to be my friend. That he cares for me.

But I'm hurting still. I can't stand not touching him. But this is what we get for playing with fire. This is what we get for playing with our friendship. This is what we get for playing with our emotions. This is the aftertaste of letting passion run our lives.

I know he feels the same way. I know, though he hasn't told me with words. I can see it in his eyes. And I know we will probably fall into the same trap again. Until he leaves.

Chasing Cars

My heart is wanting something, but is it him? -I honestly am too scared to answer that question...because, what if it is?



"If I lay here, if I just lay here. Would You lie with me and just forget the world?"
Snow Patrol

We Might As Well Be Strangers

After nearly a week of radio silence he's sent me a text saying he misses me. I guess the anger has subsided. We've decided to meet up tomorrow night to talk. We've hurt each other so much the past few months there is probably not much we can say...

I miss him too. I miss him immensly. I hurt him. But he's also hurt me. He's had a few days to think and so have I. But what is there really left to salvage? There is no room for relationship. He's been straight about that from the start, and so have I. But I've changed my mind. I WANT a relationship. But would I want one with him? - I'm not too sure. But I want one. He's opened my eyes to something I'd hidden away, deep inside of me. This longing to love and to be loved. I told him this last week, before he found out about The Cousin.

It feels like my nerve endings are attached to the outside of my body. I'm hurting all over. I can't sleep and I can't eat. My studies has gone straight down the pan. My brain is scattered all over the floor and I'm desperately trying to pick up the pieces of what's left.

My friends tells me the reason he's been in contact with them is because he misses me and wants to know how I am, but that his pride is dented and he needs some time to melt what I did to him. They're reminding me that he's doing excactly what I did when I found out about The German. Which is true.

It feels like I've been unfaithful. I've never had to go through such feelings before. But we were never in a relationship. He's been very upfront telling me he doesn't want one, yet he treats it like I've gone behind his back. He's acting like a person in a relationship who's partner has been unfaithful. What does that mean?

He's seen in me a person he thought I was. I've ruined that picture for him. I'm a human being, not just someone who will be there for him. But a person who wants him to be there for me too. Will he be able to in the end?

Truth, Bitter Truth

How easy it is to suddenly go from the one "in the right" to the one "in the wrong"... It doesn't happen to me that very often, but when it does I seem to do it with a crashing thunder, a bit of lightning and a big wollop of pain.

My whole heart is aching. Mr.E refuses to speak to me. We had this big misunderstanding on Friday night. I thought he wanted to go off with someone else (a long story I can't be asked to tell right now) and I ended up snogging his cousin for a few lousy seconds on the dance floor to some weird reggae tune. I thought his tongue was trying to find out what I had for breakfast the previous morning and stopped what was going on immediately. I regretted it at once. I was hoping the next morning that it had all been a bad dream - but it wasn't. I had indeed snogged Mr.E's cousin. The Cousin. (Might I add that I was so off my head that The Cousin had to hold me upright to be able to plant that kiss on me?) (And might I also add that Mr.E had stood me up earlier on...which I took as a big brush off - but that to my great discomfort ended up being a big drunken mistake...)

The reasons Mr.E is not speaking to me anymore are several. But mainly because he didn't find out from me, even though I'd had opportunity, he found out from The Cousin. I'd kind of been hoping that it would go away and that The Cousin could keep his big mouth shut. But noooooo, of course not. He told Mr.E nearly straight off.

Most of my friends thinks that he only did what he did to "brand me" so that Mr.E wouldn't go near me, not knowing that Mr.E has already taken my heart away... Mr.E called me up straight away. After asking if it was true he switched his phone off, took me off his IM-list and refused to answer my texts.

Yesterday he told me that we are not friends, we have never been friends and we will never be friends. Now, I know I did a really bad thing, a REALLY bad thing...but so did he. He had some German girl staying with him for a month!!!!! And he now tells me that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me... I gave him another chance. So why can't he do the same for me? Make no mistake, I'm not saying that I'm totally innocent. I did kiss his cousin. But in my mind he'd "dumped" me by then....

He also said that if I have anything to say to him I can to it after Thursday since he's (all of a sudden) too busy at work. But he seems to have time enough to IM all my friends - alot. Broken heart. Broken mind. Broken trust.

This Is The Life

Mr. E and I spent Friday night together trying to be friends. Playing games like scrabble, just enjoying eachother's company again like we used to. It all went well to start with, but due to the vaste amount of wine that we both had, it all got out of hand and we started arguing around 1ish(am). I don't know about what, neither does he. I guess it's just pent up emotions still running around in our veins.

He slept on the sofa, I slept on the bed. We had decided to have a chat about what happened in the morning. But the morning came. He layed down on the bed (we both had our clothes on) and we cuddled. I don't know why we're doing this. I don't know why we can't keep away... But no, no kisses. Just cuddles...Intimate cuddles, but nothing more.

I left in early afternoon, but he came over for a cup of coffee later that night (he's got this huge presentation at work today so he's had to work all weekend, except of course for Friday night). And then he brought lunch yesterday.

Like I said, I don't know what we're doing. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself again. I said he was gonna hurt me, he did. I said I wouldn't speak to him anymore, I did. I don't know if I'm letting him stomp all over me, I don't know if I'm using him for selfish reasons. All I know is I'm happy when I'm with him.

So, this is the life of me. This is the life of someone lonely who doesn't want to be lonely anymore. This is the life of someone who needs someone to hold her. This is the life of a person needing to feel alive again. Weather hurt or used or broken...

Friends

After alot of discussions, late night calls, a heartwarming card and a box of delicious chocolates Mr.E and I have decided to try the friends-card...again. But this time more seriously. We enjoy eachothers' company. And he used to be a really good friend of mine. I don't want to let that go. But he needs to get back into my good books again. And it might be a bit hard. He really did hurt me.

He asked me yesterday what he could do to make things right, and I told him that I honestly don't know. I don't know what he can do, and if there is anything that can be done. All we can do is wait and see what happens.

I feel better now though. A bit happier. Like I've solved the first part of a puzzle. And now I just have to find the rest of the pieces, the easier ones...even though I know that it's now that the hard part begins. The part of letting go of what once were and to start afresh.

Racing Like A Pro

First off, I managed to pass my psychology exam. Nice! I'm thrilled, because I really didn't think I'd make it. It felt good though. Now I just have to try and keep up the good work, but I'm kind of failing already...

Mr.E is sort of back into my life, but I'm not letting down my guard with him again. Yea, it's all fun and games, but I'm never going to trust him ever again. He's even started becoming a bit jealous, but that's his own problem, not mine. We talk, but we haven't met up in a while. The German is gone, and apparently, according to all of his friends he thought good riddens when she left. But as I told him (I screamed at him the other week)I'm not one to have to "wait" to be someones' friend, and if that's all he thinks of me we might as well say goodbye. He started calling me and IM'ing me when she was around, which is what he should've done in the first place.

But I do get his side of it as well now... He told me that I've been so consistent in telling him that we were never friends(which to my dismay I have to say is true) that he thought I didn't care about him and that that made him prioritise the person who he knew cared. I know it sounds weak, and I'm totally using my being Swedish as an excuse. It's hard to explain to make it sound as it did when we spoke... Well, I called him a lamearse and a wuzz. And I told him that if he intends to keep on prioritising some German chick that he might not ever see again we might as well call it quits. So he said that he'd tell her about us, which apparently he did, according to our friends. The fact that she'd seen a text that he sent me saying he misses me didn't go down so well, to say the least. But I guess he should've been a bit more honest with her.

I think they might still be on good speaking terms since she knew that they could only be friends. Which is good. I mean, spite of all this commotion and all the misunderstandings, he's a good person, albeit a bit selfish. But what can I say, so am I!

Every Night Is Another Story

The psychology exam pretty much sucked, but there's always the next time, right?

I've heard from TSJ again. He called me on Saturday night, and we might meet up next weekend. He's a single dad and he's got his daughters next weekend, but maybe for a coffee... It really depends on our children to be honest. I hope we can meet up just us one day. =)

We live in different towns from each other, so it's a bit harder to meet up, espesially with little ones, but it might just be fun. And, I need to get away from Mr.E.

He's still keeping in touch by the way, even though I'm a bit sarcy. I just don't know what I ever saw in him, but isn't that always the case when the pink veil has been lifted from our eyes? But to be honest. I miss what we had, before "the deed". I just wish we'd stayed with that. But no use wishing things undone. He would've probably disappointed me more later on, doing something else. Ah well, such is life (not that I think I'll stop complaining anytime soon...I'm on a roll,man)!!!

Hole In The Head

I have an absolute headfog. Psychology exam tomorrow....My God I'll never pass. I'm in a total state of panic. Nothing seems to stay in my head. I know that Freud was this German dude who did some stuff to some people making it all out to have something to do with lust and aggression (sex basically). And that Skinner liked to get rats to do what ever he wanted by giving them treats...

I'm taking the piss of course, but seriously...Panic!!! I love psychology. But I've managed to forget everything I've learned the past year. Remember that I've been at Uni for a year studying to become a Nursery teacher. Studying Freud and Skinner et al. I even passed an exam there in...you got it, childrens psychology...

Not to mention the other guys, Homburger Ericson and Fritz Perls. Seriously! Headfog. And here I am, writing my blog instead. I knoooooow....

Alright, back to business. Wish me luck - cos I bloody well need it!!!

The Games That Play Us

I don't know what to think of Mr.E. He wanted to buy me lunch yesterday for us to talk things out. I asked him if The German wouldn't get "upset" if we did. His response: She'll survive.

So a week after telling me we couldn't see eachother because of "german upsetness" he's willing to break the rule he set up. I declined the offer saying that I have too much studying to do (which is partly true) although my heart and head were literally trying to kill eachother off!! I do want to see hm, but I need to stay strong...and also, I'm not getting my hair done til next week and I want to look absolutely stunning next time we meet, in a, I'm-so-much-better-off-without-you way...Look at me now, you wimp!!!

So, also realised that even though I take him off my IM-list he can still IM me... Didn't know that one...hmmm. But in a way I'm glad that he IM'd me. Ha ha ha! No wonder guys don't get us girls....

The mindplaying and headfogging games that will tear us down. I need to stop. He needs to stop. I can't take it anymore. But I still want him soooo badly. But having had time to think closely about my feelings for him, I can safely say that I'm not in love with him. He just stirred awake all those feelings inside of me that I thought I'd left behind me, in London. I haven't had a feeling like this for over 5 years now, and it's confusing. I'm not in love with Mr.E. In lust? -Maybe. In yearning? -Definitely.

But what am I yearning for? -Being touched, feeling wanted... All games... All games just to get what we want. And when we don't get what we want, we should let go and move on... So why can't I? Is it impossible?

What's Going On?

And every time I think I'm feeling better I hear from him again...

That's What You Get

For 2 days I've tried to avoid staring at my phone, my computer and myself. What have I done? This feeling of absolute surrender to the heart and mind. All this time I'm wasting...

My brain has shut down. It's like a stuck record. It just goes on and on and on. The same thoughts, the what if's and should have's... It's destroying me inside out. My friends are about to shun me, I think.

I just need to let it go now. I need to. I'm hoping one day everything will get back to what it was. But doing what we did, mixing friendship and something else (what ever that was) is a devastating blow to us as friends. If friendship is a rope, we broke it by getting involved. Now, by trying to fix what we started we're trying to tie the rope together. But the knot will always be there as a reminder of what we did everytime we look at eachother.

We haven't spoken since the day he told me he couldn't see me. Although, I now know that all he wanted was for me to wait until she went back to Germany. But I felt dumped and I was angry. I definitely think that friendship is out of the window now anyway. I told him very brusquely that I never want to hear from him again. I didn't then, but now, in the light of..well, not being absolutely fuming, I have to say that when we do meet it's going to be too awkward for me to handle, unless we do meet up somewhere neutral to talk. I don't do awkward silences very well. I don't do angry very well either. Eventhough I tend to have a short fuse, it dies out quickly, so this is absolutely killing me. The silence and the non verbal situation between us.

I don't know if he's angry. I hope not. I hope he gets that I wasn't in the wrong telling him where to shove it. I miss him. I miss him saying good morning to me every day. I miss him sending me random songs and text messages. I miss him waking me up with homemade waffles and cloudberry jam... I just miss him...

Weak

I wish these days feeling this shit could just fly by and I'll feel happy again. I just can't stand feeling sad. It's absolutely awful, I hate it. Being soppy is not my thing, and still I'm sitting here...being soppy...

And on top of that I've contacted Mr.E! Not even by mistake. I thought I'd deleted all his numbers and addresses, but I'd forgotten that he'd sent me an e-mail a week ago. I hadn't deleted that. Very bad!

See, the thing with me is, I'm not deleting numbers so to get rid of him per se. I'm deleting numbers and addresses so I won't contact him. And look what happens?!?! God, I can't even stop myself. Not that I left a really tearjerking message. I told him I consider myself somewhat in the right to be angry with him, and that one day we'll probably be on proper speaking terms again, but that I just need time to be angry because he's been such a (at a loss for words....) d*ckweed...

But, I also told him that I miss speaking to him and that that is what saddens me about all this. Losing a friend.

Hedonism (Just Because You Feel Good)

I hope You're feeling happy now
I see You feel no pain at all it seems
I wonder what You're doing now
I wonder if You think of me at all
Do You still play the same moves now?
Or are those special moods for someone else?
I hope You're feeling happy now

Just because You feel good
Doesn't make You right
Just because You feel good
Still want You here tonight

Does laughter still discover You?
I see through all those smiles that look so right
Do You still have the same friends now
To smoke away Your problems and Your life?
How do You remember me?
The one who made You laugh until You cried?
I hope You're feeling happy now

Just because You feel good
Doesn't make You right
Just because You feel good
Still want You here tonight
Want You

I wonder what You're doing now
I hope You're feeling happy now

Skunk Anansie

I'm Not Here For Your Entertainment

Honest to God! If I ever look at a man again, just shoot me down. What is wrong with them?!?! I thought he was a good person, a good person who at the end of the day was a friend and who could be something more. But I was wrong...again...

I thought I was using him a bit as well, but I've slowly realised that was not the case. He's now telling me that he can't see me anymore because this German girl likes him too much. What!?!? She's going back to freaking Germany in less than a week. He doesn't want a relationship with her...but he can't see me because it upsets her.

How about me? What about me getting hurt? What about my feelings? What about the fact that after she's gone we'll be forced to hang out together again?

It's for real this time. He's off my IM-list, my phone and my FB. He's gone. I've told him that this was the last straw. Not to call me again. Not to speak to me again. I don't care if we'll be at the same parties, don't speak to me, don't talk to me, don't even look at me. He will not exist to me ever again. If he thought I was angry with him a while ago he should understand that this is me in a f*cking rage!!!

I was fine before. I felt good. I was happy and content with having Little F and my friends and family. I was fine just having him as a secret crush... Why do I always do this to myself? Playing with fire? When I know I'm only getting hurt in the end.

How To Save A Life

My Mum died of ovarian cancer when I was only one year old. For six years my cousin has struggled with cancer to her intestines and stomach and she has gone through several operations and even ended up staying in a coma for a month due to the illness she's going through. My sister has just been named a survivor of breast cancer after trying to beat it for three years. When will it end?

I might sit here and mope over some guy who might or might not call me back, but how important is it really if he does? Do I honestly care? What is important, really?

At the end of the day, I would give up everything for the people I love. I would give up the love of a man if they would just be well and alive. I would. Wouldn't you for the people you care about?

I'm sitting here wondering what the h*ll I'm doing wasting time on a guy who clearly is a real piece of shite... What do I get out of it? Love? Happiness?

I've spent the last 2 years totally content with what I've got. My beautiful daughter. My family. My friends. What is a man?? What could he possibly give me that my daughter, my family and my friends can't?

I've come to the conclusion...absolutely nothing! Nothing! And to realise that is so annoying... Wasting my time on something that won't fix me, make me happier or leave me content with my life. But it is also relieving...

I'm going to save my own life now... Resurface and breathe again. Let go of the pain. Stay still and just breathe... Feel alive again... My pain and struggles are nothing in comparison to the pain of others... I know I will probably mope again in a few days, old habits hardly ever break. But I will keep in mind what I wrote today. I will keep in mind that there are things far more important than a man to feel alive...

A Multitude Of Casualties

Today I found out that one of my closest friends' Mum has died. Breast cancer. A viscious killer. Not only does it kill the person who it happens to, but it kills the spirit of those around her.

My friends' Mum was like an extra Mother to me and an extra Grandmother to Little F. And it hurts me to think that she's not around us anymore. She was one of those people who always saw something positive in everything and everyone. She never seemed to have a bad day even though she was struggling. I admire her strength and humility. I hope to become more like her.

I think of You L. I think of those You left behind. Your family and Friends. You're in my heart always.

Blue Skies

...I Forgive You ...I Forgive You ...I Forgive You



Strays Don't Sleep

I Will Dare

I've told him how I feel. Not to his face, didn't get the nerve until it was too late. His friend is here now, his "friend", from Germany... They're in his parents cabin in the woods somewhere close to the Norweigan border. And the jealousy is slowly eating me up alive.

He sent me a text yesterday morning saying he misses me and that he was bored with work ( they drove to the cabin last night) and I sent him a text saying that I would like 3 reasons with at least 1 of them better than he's bored at work why he misses me. He sent me one back last night saying that a text message wouldn't be able to contain all the reasons that he misses me....

It made me so angry! Then what the hell is he doing with her?!?!? If that's how he feels he should tell her about me, let us meet and show me that it's me, that I'm the one he wants not her. I called him this morning. He sounded surprised but in a good way... and I wanted to tell him that I like him, that I'm in love with him, that I want us together as a couple and not just as friends, but I choked.

10 minutes later I sent him a text saying all those things....

Challenge....

Ok, I've been challenged, I think =)

5 things in my freezer: broccoli, ice cream, Swedish meatballs, elk meat and ice cubes.

5 things in my wardrobe: a pair of jeans that fit me 2 years ago that I will never stop dreaming getting into again, a lovely new top that I'll probably never wear and 3 turtlenecks in purple, brown and red that I absolutely love and adore now winter is slowly approaching...

5 things in my bathroom: Lancôme toner, Gucci Rush, tooth paste, tooth brush and a Paris Hilton perfume that I love but am so ashamed of owning (which by the way everyone love the smell of when I wear it!!)

I challenge: Nova-san and Deleine

(Hmmm, I think I need to read a few more blogs com to think of it...)

Flight Of The Foo-Foo Birds

I'm sitting here thinking about...well, to be honest, nothing... I don't know really. There is so much going on that thinking seems to be an impossible feat. What can I say? -I really don't know...

(I think I've had too much coffee this morning my heart is pounding and my mouth is dry... Something is different, I can feel it!)

How can a head feel so empty even though it's bursting with thoughts and words and songs and longing? How can a head feel so empty even though friends try to fill it with love and understanding? How can a head feel so empty even though it's flashing images of what I thought was true? What might still be true?

What am I missing? What is it I can't see? Is it the fact that I don't want to recognise the truth...? (Or is it just the plain fact that he's an arse and I just refuse to accept it...?)

Crash Course In Polite Conversations

I really don't know where I stand with Mr.E and I'm still too afraid to ask or say how I feel. He plays the perfect role of a person in love, but his actions are in a different time zone from where his words are, or at least were....

We haven't spoken about our relationship except for the other night when he invited me to a party and I felt that he might've been flirting with this gorgeous brunette. My friend has told me afterwards that he probably wasn't intentionally flirting with her, but that he could've left the conversation a bit sooner. I told him ( a bit tipsy, of course) that if he wanted to go to the club that that girl went to just go ahead, but maybe next time think about not inviting me to a party where he intends to flirt with other women. I laughed when I said this to take the edge of how it sounded ( jealous and horrible...) He told me that he hadn't been flirting and was upset and in the light of day he probably wasn't, but it made me feel a bit insecure... I started giggling out of nervousness then he shook my shoulders a little saying not to laugh and to be serious because he would never do something like that to me. That made a little burst of laughter come out of my mouth. He looked at me with this hurt look in his eyes and said that we'd speak about this later. (We never did, but he told me an hour later that he'd never flirt with someone on purpose.)

Yesterday he told me that he's going to have a friend from Germany staying for a week. He said he stayed with this person when he was over there this summer. This person is a girl!!! Oh no, images of a scantily clad beautiful german girl faffing about his flat drives me up the wall....!!!!

Where is this burst of jealousy coming from?!?!

I'm trying to sound like I couldn't care less, talking about the weather and health of people we know just to keep from shouting Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

I do think he likes me, but I also think he's got no clue what to do with these feelings since he's told himself he wants to be single. Well, so do I, but I'm changing my mind ever so slightly....even though I still freak a little when I think about break ups and heart aches and so on.

I'm going to a friends party this weekend, it'll be great to get my mind off of Mr.E and chill. And I know he's not coming since he's taking his german friend to some cabin in the woods.... Now, when is he going to take me somewhere?!?!?

I know he's not seeing his neighbor anymore, not like he used to. But he's taken her to the movies, and he's taking a german girl to the woods in some romantic cabin.... But me....some parties and he comes over here....I don't know. Am I missing some vital information, like that he's not really interested and using me for his own pleasures....?

I know I should ask, just get it over with and roll with the flow. If it happens it happens and all that!!! But it's so hard because I'm scared of what he'll tell me in the end....

The Name Of The Game

Tanken med utmärkelsen är då att man ska nominera 7 bloggar man tycker extra mycket om. Så här funkar det:1. De nominerade kopierar bilden och lägger på sin blogg.2. Länka till personen du fick nomineringen av.3. Nominera sju bloggar.4. Länka till de bloggar du nominerat.5. Lämna ett meddelande på deras bloggar att de blivit nominerade.
The thought with this award is to nominate 7 blogs you really like. This is how it works: 1. The nominees copies the picture and attatches it to their blog. 2. Link to the person who nominated you. 3. Nominate 7 blogs. 4. Link to the blogs that you nominated. 5. Leave a message on their blogs about their nomination.

1. Deleine
2. Nova
3. Jess

Into You Like A Train

I'm really confused, really messed up and really really really in love....

I haven't been able to write down what's happened the last couple of days because I'm still trying to process it. Mr.E and I have been in contact a few days now, both physically and mentally. We haven't made anything official, we haven't really spoken about it. But a friend of his told me he's really confused (in a good way) about me and what we have.

I'm just too afraid to open up still. I've told him that I'm not seeing anyone else, and he's told me the same. I just need to believe him now. He's come over alot, and I went to see him at work today. None of our friends understands what we're doing....but rest assure, nor do we.

Just can't stop smiling though....

Rest In Pieces

...This hurts deeper than I thought it did...You got much closer than I thought you did...

...Would you find it in your heart to make this go away
And let me rest in pieces...

Saliva

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I have a problem. I thought everything was sorted with school and starting the Police Academy, but I was wrong....I've been wrong quite alot lately....

I've been planning to study by distance tuition, but apparently they've changed where they hold the meetings with the whole group once every 6 weeks, from a town close to where I live all the way down to Stockholm... Where am I supposed to "stash" Little F everytime I go down to Stockholm? And apparently we stay for a week at a time now.

I could get a day care person to take care of her while I'm there, I could try. But where would I get the money from, for the day care person and for Little F's ticket? It's unfortunately really expensive to go on the domestic flights.

Now, I'm not one to give up, but seems like everything I'm trying to do right ends up wrong......

I'm still going to pursue this. I've wanted to become a police officer a very long time, and I do think I'd be great at it. I just don't want to have to wait until Little F is old enough to take care of herself. I mean if worst come to worst I will have to, but I'm certainly going to try to make it work. At least one area of my life needs to get back on track.....

What Is And What Should Never Be

I guess I spoke too soon...silly silly me

Mr.E has been seeing the hot sexy neighbor during the days he wasn't in contact with me. They've gone to the movies. So I guess I'm the girl he uses for sex while hanging out with the neighbor doing "couple-stuff"...

He hasn't promised me anything, and I've told him I don't want to get serious...But I feel really hurt. And I'm thinking, why doesn't he take me to the movies?

I've just IM'd him. Asked him to think about the consequenses of us going too far. I mean he came over tonight to watch a movie and we're holding hands, cuddling, doing a bit of flirting.... I told him that we're in the same group of friends, and if it goes too far, if it gets too much, we still have to hang out, and what if it gets too much...

It's really hard. We're talking right now about what if we wouldn't see each other again. But he said that he'd miss me too much, and that if he'd move (he's thinking about travelling) the only person he'd really miss is me.

God, I don't know... What have we done? So we both have feelings for each other. He told me that he's only hanging out with his neighbor as friends, and I told him that it's really not about her, but us. And if he wants to get down and dirty with someone, maybe it shouldn't be with me anymore. Whatever feelings we have for each other will make things too complicated in the end.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It's done. We're not seeing each other anymore. I'm taking him off my IM-list. No more Mr.E. No more sweet romantic notions. He's sad, and so am I. But I can't switch it off just like that. I've started having stronger feelings for him. Short but sweet, eh, guys? It never even started....

I hope he misses me and I hope he won't be able to be without me. But I know him, he's a guy, and guys switch on and off in a blink of an eye. I sometimes wish I lived in a romantic drama, because in the end the girl always ends up with the guy... Too bad that's not the case, eh?

Are You True?

Mr.E the bastard has been playing games with me! What an arse!! He came to the party I was at on Friday night. I knew he might be there, but I was hoping that he wouldn't show. I'd told my friend to pinch me if I acted immature and upset towards him, because I didn't want him to understand how angry I was. First thing I see as I walk in the room is him. He's leaning against the wall looking absolutely gorgeous. I say hi and walk past him and about 2 seconds later I can feel a pinch in the small of my back. I turn around and my friend is standing there looking angrily at me mouthing "be nice". I know I could've smiled, but hey, he's been avoiding me for a week...

So I'm the one trying to avoid him all night,but I'm being really nice to him and I'm smiling, talking and chit-chatting to him, just to get him to understand that "I'm not upset and I don't care if you're an arse". So, we get to the club and he gets me a shot but we don't really talk. I go to dance and he's just standing by the bar looking pissed off. After an hour he's gone and I just can't believe it!?!?... So, I send him a text. And I get one back straight away saying that some guy pissed him off and he's gone home. He asks me to come back to his, and after a bit of reassuring from my friend I go. She says I need to know why he's been so weird towards me.

I ask him why he's been avoiding me all week, and get this, he tells me he's just wanted to see what and if this means something to me too! I freak out a little telling him that we're just friends and then he freaks out and tells me he didn't mean it the way it sounded. And then we kiss. I guess that means he likes me, and he's been playing me on my own game... I'm just too scared to get hurt by a guy again so I play games, and now I've found out he's doing the same thing.

I stayed the night, we had breakfast, went out for lunch and for a walk. He came over to mine last night and watched a movie. And today he called to see if I wanted breakfast and said if I provide the tea, he'd get the bread.

We're not kissing or anything, and I really don't know where this is going. But I do know one thing...He's as unsure of me as I am of him, and it makes me feel a bit better if that makes any sense...?

Truth Doesn't Make A Noise

Haven't heard from Mr.E since we went to see him over a coffee. Guess that means I'm dumped, even though dumped really isn't the right word for it. We never started anything in the first place, I mean not really, so how can I be dumped? But thing is, I feel dumped.

Luckily I'm going out tomorrow night with my friends, I need some cheering up... How come it feels so empty even though nothing ever really happened? Why do I feel like such an idiot? Such a girl? Such a teenage girl? (Sorry if I offend anyone. Maybe I should be more specific.) I feel like I did when I was a teenaged girl... Like I did when I was a teen idiot who fell for who ever looked me in the eye and smiled at me... (God how pathetic do I sound?)

I know he's working really really hard doing his computer sciency thing, but hey...an IM? Not alot to ask for. And now I feel I can't just IM him, because I don't want to seem like I'm stalking him... I bet it's his neighbor. Or someone else. I need to get him Out Of My Head! A.s.a.p. Not good, not good at all!

Who's Zoomin' Who?

One of my friends and I were going for a brisk walk yesterday with our kids. Mr.E called and asked what we were up to and invitied us for a coffee in case we were passing, which of course we weren't, but since my friend hasn't seen his new flat we decided to take him up on the offer. (Like I would've said no...)

He told me that he'd been to this newly opened gym that had a creche in case I fancied going there with Little F one day. I mean, come on, why would he even bother. I know I'm setting myself up for this one, but he's just so lovely and nice and well mannered it freaks me out!

I was supposed to go see him last night after work, but the last flight was delayed so I didn't get out until 11pm. That's just my luck. I have a night free of children ( Little F was at night nursery) and I can't even get to spend it with a fit guy.... We IM'd when I got home, but I'm so sure his hot and sexy neighbor knocked on his door. Leeeeeaveeee him aloooooone!!!!!!

It's my friends birthday party on Friday. Can't wait. I need to go out flirting a bit or I'll go absolutely mad. I can't sit and wait for Mr.E while he's having all the fun. I've been messaging TSJ a bit too, but he lives in another town, and with the kids we just haven't been able to meet up yet. But can't wait. I just hope he hasn't managed to find someone else before I get there....he's so cute and nice...and single and interested in me....well, a bit at least.

I think I just need to get over Mr.E and realise that lonely or not, maybe we should just be friends before someone (might not be me?!?!) gets hurt. It might end up being his hot and sexy neighbor who gets hurt in the end, and I don't want that. She's only about 21 and is soooo into Mr.E it's unbelieveable. I told him to go easy on her, because she's a young girl. And girls tend to have this romantic notion that even though the guy they like has been upfront about not wanting to get serious, we still think that when he gets to know us he'll change his mind and we'll live happily ever after. And his neighbor is still young enough to live by that notion and believe in it. I still live in that notion too, but I know it's all a bunch of crap!!!

Oh god, I'm sooo lying to myself ( and to you). Of course I won't stop seeing him. He's like a poison! But, I'm taking a stand, and I will not IM him at all....today....

Where Did You Sleep Last Night

Mr.E and I have kept out IM-relationship going since the "deed" last week. We decided to have a poker evening with some friends and it ended with him staying over. Little F was at home, but she's used to me having friends staying, so there was nothing weird for her waking up seeing Mr. E eating breakfast with us. He's real good with kids. He kept Little F entertained while I made her breakfast and when I went to shower.

We'd also decided to go canooing that day, so I'd gotten one of my friends to babysit. He cycled over there with us and she told me as I was picking Little F afterwards that she thought he quite fancies me because of the way he was helping me with Little F. But to be honest, that's just his way. He's really really kind to people he cares about, not just me. It's not special to him to be so helpful, it's natural.

Anyways, it started raining quite bad unfortunately, so we went for a pizza instead and then visited a friend of ours that had a baby 6 months ago and who's a little bit alone because her boyfriend ( Mr.E's best friend) works so much. It was just a chilled afternoon. Getting to know eachother face to face. We actually agreed that IM'ing eachother is our only means of non alcoholic communicating, which makes it harder for us to speak to eachother outside cyberworld. Hence spending an afternoon together. Sober.

Mr.E also divulged that his neighbor had gotten a bit too serious even though he'd told her that he didn't want a serious relationship. So, I don't know how much they'll see eachother anymore, but YEEEY!!! It's not that I want him to myself....hahahaha Of Course It Is!!!

On a more serious note. I've come to realise that my feelings for Mr.E are a bit tangled up in feelings of being alone... I really like him as a friend, but I can't really be sure that those other feelings, the stronger ones that I feel for him aren't mainly there because he makes me feel less alone... If you get me?

Oh, I don't know. I just know I enjoy spending rainy afternoons with him, and that he enjoys my company too. He's not scared of Little F even though most guys run the opposite direction when they hear the mention of a child. And, the fact that he's about 6", absolutely stunning and I can literally see girls drool when they notice him doesn't make him less attractive in my eyes. I know, sounds shallow, but also very true.

Highway To Hell

I cycled to work for the first time yesterday. My God! I honestly thought I was going to fall into a little pile of mush half way there. And I'm looking to become a policeman...hmmmpf... Not doing too well in the stamina department... It takes about an hour to cycle there and let me tell you that after working at a packed airport I was NOT looking forward to cycle all the way home, picking up Little F on the way as well.

To top it off I bought my first pair of serious ass kicking trainers the other day with the plan to start jogging at least 3 times a week. So I went with a friend, and I brought Little F with me in her buggy. Now, the buggy itself weighs at least 8 kilograms and Little F weighs in at 15 kilograms. Try that uphill when you haven't lifted anything heavier than a liter of milk in the last, I'd say 5 years ( I'm not including Little F in that since she's never nor will she ever be weighing me down, metaforically speaking). Needless to say, if I bring Little F with me everytime I go jogging I never have to join a gym...ever!!

On a more positive note, I managed to pass my first major test in computer science (ECDL-European Computer Drivers Licence). I only scored 80%, but given that the leaflet that my teacher had given me to study from only included every other page (yes I know!!!) I think I did quite well. I could have waited to take the test until next week, of course, but I have 5 other courses to get through, so I just want to get everything started asap.

I'm now one step closer to my goal. I know that it's hard to get accepted to the Police Academy here, but if I don't try I'll never know, right? It feels alot better doing this than studying to become a nursery teacher. I feel more alive and happier even though it's definitely going to be the toughest ride I've ever been on....

Ava Adore

...You'll always be my whore
Cause You're the one that I adore
And I'll pull Your crooked teeth
You'll be perfect just like me

In You I feel so Dirty
In You I crash Cars
In You I feel so Pretty
In You I taste God...

(Smashing Pumpkins)

So it has happened. Mr.E and me. The sexual tension that I thought I'd felt actually did exist. This past Friday he asked me to come over for a few drinks with friends. I felt a bit of flirting but was put off the scent a bit since he told me about the sexy neighbour. I still do think he's just trying to make me jealous with her, and he keeps on asking me about TSJ quite alot.

Sitting out on the balcony I could feel his hand on the small of my back gently touching me, but just a flicker so I thought I must've imagined it. We went out to the club, sat down at a table. Looked at each other and stood up almost straight away. We walked over to the dancefloor. Started kissing immediately. Took each others hands and walked out of the club, straight back to his flat...and well, you can guess the rest. What a waste of the door charge, you might think...

He asked me not to leave as abruptly as last time, but I told him that that would probably happen. He told me that he'd wanted this all this time, but was too afraid to pick up the nerve. That he had been unsure if I wanted this too. And then of course Girlfriend I & II got in the way. I can't explain it properly but it felt so right, even though I knew in my heart that it was wrong.

I don't want my heart to break, but I know it will. I'm too old to feel like this. I should be mature and capable to turn feelings on and off and just treat this for what it was. A mutual-friend-shag!

He also told me that he knew The Cousin has got feelings for me, but because I've made it clear that they are not reciprocated and we're all adults that that shouldn't stand in our way. But in our way of what? He's made it absolutely clear that he's not ready for anything serious. But spite of what he says I think he might be getting serious with his neighbour soon...

My friend says he's playing me, and of course he is, I'm letting him...I hadn't had sex in two years, I'd wanted Mr.E to take my "virginity" since I got back from London. And now that he has, I wish that he hadn't... He came over on Saturday. We decided it best to meet up to make sure that there are no weird feelings. We both think that our friendship is too valuable. But when he arrived we had nothing to say to each other. I also knew that he was going to a party with the sexy neighbour so it kind of put this uncomfortable wall between us.

But after he left he IM'd me when he got home, and we talked just like we used to pre-shag and he sent me a few songs. And this morning as I was getting ready he IM'd me again. Trying to help me find the books I need for school. See, weird... I'm probably reading too much inte everything, but he confuses me.

My friend also said that getting into bed with a friend is stupid, someone always gets hurt (me!) and because we hang out with the same group of people it's going to get weird. I know all of this and still I took the step from friends flirting to friends doing the dirty...

Yes, I know I've made a mistake. I do regret it...a bit. But it was going to happen one of these days anyways...Everyone around us has seen it... The only reason that I regret it though is because I'm going to get hurt. But on the other hand I think it was totally worth every second of it. Would I do it again is the question I'm asking myself? - Of course!!!! It wasn't a minute too soon or I would've burst!!!

Highway To The Discomfort Zone

Mr. E now knows about The Cousin kissing me...and not from me. No wonder he's been blowing hot and cold the last few days. I knew he was going to find out, but I was kind of hoping, you know, that he wouldn't. And at the moment I feel like I'm stuck in a High School drama where there are some weird honour codes and guilt trip issues. So, The Cousin kissed me! I didn't kiss him back!!

I just know I should've been more daring and gone for a midnight swim with him. And then this wouldn't have happened. As I've stated before, it's all to do with Karma, and I guess the Karma I'm stuck with is all bad. Oooor, I'm just too mature to go swimming at night with a gorgeous man. Ha ha ha that sounded weird even in my head...

Thing is, Mr.E still IM's me every day, but now I don't know if he's doing it because he wants me to get it on with his cousin, or because he likes me. He had a party last night which I couldn't go to because of work, and I think he was flirting with that hot and sexy neighbour of his. This sucks! See, told you that I was going to fall for him and be miserable.

I would do something about this if I wasn't so scared it would ruin our friendship, because it means the world to me. And I'd rather have him as a friend than not at all. See, the High School drama continues (I've seen too many of them lately I think)... I'd miss him too much if we weren't friends. I'm just realising that I've been putting my feelings for him aside for such a long time now and that when he finally became single I just let them out...a little bit too soon....

Am I forever going to be a Peyton to Lucas or a Dawson to Joey? The love might be there, but obstacles and people are always going to be in our way? Or the person that I'm interested in will outgrow me before I make something happen?'

Love truly does hurt.....

The Search For Something More

Mr. E IM'd me last night. He's back from his trip. He sent me the song 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins, a song I love, but he didn't know that. Makes me like him even more... So, after some casual conversation he asked me if I'd gone for a summer-swim at all this summer. I said no. He asked me if I was up for a midnight swim with him one of these nights before summer is gone. (Summer in the north of Sweden is short but sweet). I'd love to. Of course I do. But I didn't write that. I just wrote; "If you get me a babysitter. Hahaha" (What Is Wrong With Me?!?!)

I can't believe that's all I wrote, not even today, one day after it happened.... To top it off, Mr.E's very cute neighbour is after him now... (That didn't take long...?) But she might have screwed it up a bit, since she was doing the dirty with Mr.E's best friend who was borrowing his flat while he was out of town. Also, during the weekend of my cousin's wedding we had a class reunion from High School, which was a blast. Espesially since I got talking to the The School Jock, and an absolute stunner now in his 30's!! We've IM'd a bit, but he's away on a business trip now. TSJ is a single dad to 2 beautiful little girls. And a real catch. I told Mr. E about him (to get him a bit jealous, of course, and I do think it worked as well...a little bit at least...) Mr.E asked me about him last night...

I need to make my move soon, before Mr.E's cute neighbour does. I mean, Mr. E thinks she's cute, but he's not looking for anything serious with her. But that means Not turning down invitations of midnight swims!!!!! Ever!!!!! Again!!!!!

Suddenly Everything Has Changed

I made a descision today about my future. I went to the Adult Community College and applied for some courses to become a fulltime student there instead of at Uni. So from Monday I will read history, psychology, legal science and a full computer course called The ECDL. I'm quite exited actually. I'm reading this to be able to apply to the Swedish Police Academy next Autumn, or maybe even sooner. It depends on how fit I manage to get come Spring.... I'm going to try my best.

Mr. E has been keeping in touch quite regularly. He's in France at the moment on holiday, but has managed to IM me every day. If I could just get into his head and figure out if he really likes ME or if he's just a friend. I wish it would be more, but with my luck in men, it never is....

And Mr.E's cousin is being really persistant, even though I've told him friends only... What's up with the world!?!? I always want the one I can't get, and the one I can get, I don't want. Karma! That's the only word I can come up with that can shine a light on my problems right now. I must have done something in a previous life banning true happiness from this one. If something is going right in one area of my life, trust me when I say that the other area's going right through a thunderstorm or blizzard at that exact moment.

I've been literally working my little bony a** off these last few weeks. My funny boss is even funnier than ever. I went to my cousins wedding the other night and as we were speaking about my new job and where it was, one of the guys said that when he was at the airport a few months ago the coffee shop had been closed for no apparent reason and there had been a guy mopping the floors there. Some of the travellers had been upset that the coffe shop was closed, but the guy mopping the floor had just looked at them and kept going about his business.... Funny thing is, the coffee shop should've been open...and the only guy working there is....low and behold, my boss!!! He just couldn't give a rat's if customers gets angry....and he opens when he feels like it. And if a customer gets antsy with him, he'll just keep the shop closed for an extra few minutes. Just to tick-them-off!!!! Weirdo...

We still haven't heard from my brother in person. Apparently (according to his girlfriend) he's really really upset... God, if he's upset, imagine how my Gran must feel and how she felt when we didn't know if he was even alive. I never knew such selfishness.... and I hope I never will again... My poor Gran. And my poor Uncle who set his alarm at 3am every night my brother was gone to phone his mobile, just in case... I'm still mad at my brother. But I'm glad I haven't been able to speak to him yet, I might have disowned him if I had!!!

I'm holding Little F's Birthday party on Sunday. Finally!!!! But after everything that's been going on we haven't had time to sort it out. Plus all her little friends have been on holiday until now. And you must agree that a Birthday party is that much better when you have friends attending it as well. She's getting all exited and she's chosen Winnie-the-Pooh cups and multiple coloured balloons. It's going to be great and right now I don't know who's more exited, me or her. I'm making her a Hello Kitty cake, that's she's espesially wished for!!! Yeeey...!!!!

Brave New World

First off... My brother is safe. My Gran got a call from the police in my brothers home town and they told her that they'd spoken to his girlfriend who said he was somewhere nearby. Now, we still haven't spoken to my brother, but I'm not freaking out as much now.... My Gran called about an hour ago to let me know...When I see him though, I might have to hurt him a little bit (joke)...

And now to the other news...Mr. E just IM'd me. He's back in Sweden and broke it off with his girlfriend tonight. I'm a bit stunned. First, that he even broke up with her. Second, that he got in touch with me so soon after doing it. Shouldn't read too much into it.... (Dam dam ta dam Dam da ta dam - *hums The Wedding March) No seriously, at least now he's free to flirt with!!!

He actually called me last night to see if I was going out, but I was working. I do like him...alot...But I kinda liked that my crush on him was a dead end... Now I just know that my crush will get serious and I'll end up with a broken heart...

But it's all in all a bad day turned good!!! So for now, keep safe and remember to tell everyone you care for that you love them and don't go to bed angry....so much can happen in a blink of an eye....

Somewhere The Clock Is Ticking

My brother has now been officially (after we've called the police) missing for 2 days, but he's actually been missing for 6... No one knows where he is, and I'm really getting worried now.

He lives in the south of Sweden, just outside of Stockholm and he was supposed to go up north last Wednesday ( to visit us for Little F's Birthday). He called my Gran and told her that he'd missed the train north and was going to Stockholm to try to catch a bus going back to his home town before trying to head up north again on Thursday. We haven't heard from him since.

Now we all know he likes his drink so we thought he'd just stayed in Stockholm. But he always always keeps in touch with Gran. I've tried not to think about it for a few days now, but it's really getting to me. What if something has happened to him???

Good News For People Who Love Bad News

If there is one thing about living in a small town when studying that I can't stand is the lack of work there is to get when there is a holiday...just like this one. Summer holidays are the worst for students in small towns. Espesially students who can't just up and leave during the summer months, like me. I've got a small child, so I can't go to one of the bigger cities to work for a couple of months so to speak. Unless I go see Little F's dad, but we tried that last summer and it didn't go so well, but that's another story...

This is why I've only managed to get extra work in a coffee shop at our local airport. Sounds fun to some, except the fact that in order to keep that job I had to get a car (cheap, of course through B, the guy that unfortunately fancies me, who I don't fancy back) and my daughter has to go to 2 different nurserys, one during the day and another during the night. It's very common to some people, but those people should also know that that sucks for our children even though it is necessary for us to make our living. I'm not complaining about the nurserys, the nursery teachers are brilliant!!! I just think it sucks that's all, that my child is the one that suffers because there aren't any jobs available for single parents...

I do like working in coffee shops and such because I like the social bit, even tough I tend to h*te customers...weird huh? But at airport cafés I've found that people don't have the time to whine about this that and the other, they just want their coffee before their plane leaves, so it doesn't suck too bad... =D

My boss still confuses me though. After a week of him moaning and sighing at the sight of me, he's now started to compliment me?!?! Now, how weird is that? I'm still not sure if he's being sarcastic. I don't think so, but one can't be too sure.... hmmmm......

Back to the bit about the car. So, it leaks gas, big time. There was a big lake under the car this morning when I was going to use it, so I had to call B, who I haven't spoken to properly since that night. A tiny tad unfomfortable.... I still don't know what's wrong with it, but we'll see. Hopefully I can drive it to work soon.... It's a bit of a trek really...

All These Things That I Have Done

Well, what can I say? -If I had any doubt that Mr. E's cousin liked me, I am sure now. Ohmigod!

To start from the beginning... I had an old friend over for a few glasses of wine on Friday night. We sat on the balcony covered by the warm embrace of the sun when B called. I told him to come over if he wanted to, I mean, I see us as friends. I thought we were friends....

We all laughed, no need to tell you the boring and drunk things we said, that's not important any way. But i could feel that he was trying to come on to me. Ignoring that I walked him to the door as he was leaving, as I always do to lock the door behind him. He turned around and kissed me!!!Now I have to say, I didn't kiss him back. Although I've known that he likes me, I 've never thought of him that way...at all!

So I guess my question is; can you learn to find someone attractive if you know that this person is a great person? I mean, he is attractive in a way. Tall, lean and well mannered. And on top of that he's a brilliant friend... But I just don't feel that ..... thing when we're together. But is there a chance that I ever will?

I haven't had a boyfriend, or even a date for that matter since little F's dad and I separated, but should I give it a go? Thing is, I know him already, so what more is there to know...except for the attractiveness?!?!? And to top it off, he happens to be my secret loveinterest's cousin....hmpf!

My Way Home Is Through You

Tomorrow is Little F's 4th Birthday and she's getting really exited. Presents has started to arrive by the dozen from all her relatives in England. But she's very good at putting them away to open on her Birthday. The only thing she misses is her Daddy.

I spoke to him yesterday and he feels really bad missing out, but they'll speak on the phone and probably IM each other. Ha ha sounds funny, Little F and her Daddy writing to each other when she's only 4. But she's really good at spelling. She knows her name, Daddy, Mummy and her 3 best friends names. She also knows most first letters in other friends and familymembers names, so she' on her way and I' m very very proud.

Little Miss F is my life. I owe her all of my happiness. She's this perfect little person who I love unconditionally and she loves me unconditionally too. I sometimes wonder how I got to deserve something so pure like that. She's truly the apple of my eye and even though we argue like mad sometimes I can't help but thinking that without her my life would be totally meaningless.

I can't wait til tomorrow to see her beautiful face light up when she sees the Birthday cake and presents. I love her more than life itself!!!

You Gotta Go There To Come Back

I know that I said that I am content with living in this little northern Swedish town, but I think I might have lied. I always planned to go back to London after finishing my degree. But since I've been back for 2 years now, and barely started a degree I'm starting to panic a little... The main reason for panicking is of course the fact that I'm having second thoughts about what I really want to do with the rest of my life.

The second reason is that I see myself getting stuck in the tiny teensy town with no real hopes for the future. Dead end job, dead end flat and dead end boyfriend. That's NOT how I pictured my life 10 years ago when I slowly started planning going to London for the first time. I was going to be someone!!! And I know that the only one who can change my life to what I want it to be, is me!!

But then there are my friends, who I'll miss soooo much if I do decide to go back to the fast pace of London. They used to live there with me, back when I first moved there. They know what it's like, how mesmerizing that city can be. I miss walking down The Strand, heading towards Covent Garden, sitting on the piazza sipping latté and watching the street performers there... I miss Richmond and my favourite pub, The Marlborough... I miss The Opera Tavern and celeb spotting... The only thing I missed when I was there was my friends!

I do enjoy Sweden, but in another way. I guess I'm just aching for what I knew back then. And someday I might just go back!!!

This Is My Home Town

It's really pouring down outside. I've been sitting on my balcony for a while staring at the rain and I've come to the conclusion that when it's raining I really miss London. I wouldn't be sitting on my balcony staring at the rain there. No, I'd be in a warm and cosy pub with a glass of wine and The Times, trying go get the Sudoku puzzle right. I do miss London sometimes, espesially days like these. If the sun is out, I don't mind this little home town of mine, I actually enjoy warm summer days here. But on a day like this I wish I could still go down the road to my local and spend the whole afternoon there gossiping with the staff.

To be honest, there aren't even any coffee shops open in this town on week nights, and on Sundays you'd better have coffee at home... There's like, one pub, that is open on weekends after 10pm. Yea, it sucks big time. But this is life in a small town. But I do like it, it's my home town you know... And all my friends are here. My friends from the past, who knows me, all about me. I don't have to tell them about the old me, they already know me. And they don't mind that I'm a bit of a loser sometimes. They love me anyway. And that's what makes me love them even more.

By coming home I've also managed to re kindle some old friendships from when I was really little. ( Jess!!!! Mwaah!!!) And it feels great. Do You know when you know a true friend? - By the way you are when you're together! Even though it might have been 10 years since you last really, really had a conversation there is no weirdness when you speak, no awkward pauses or boring questions/comments about the weather. Those are the friends to hold on to...!

Every Day is Like A Sunday Evening

Another day has gone by. Just got off work, yes, I do work . I have to, I'm a responsible adult with a child, even though I manage to be a student and total spaz at the same time...go figure!

So, work....what can I say? I have the weirdest boss. Soooo moody it's unbelievable. I've just come off my third shift there, but he seems to think I should know it all right this second. Yea, like I'm some sort of mind reader... I might have known it all if ANYONE would tell me what I am supposed to do!!! My new work place is sort of like a bingo alley. Turn the little handle and see all the little balls with the numbers rumble in the big glasstumbler and hope for the right number to show up... Jeez...! He makes me laugh though. If customers knew what he says about them behind their backs, they'd sue his a**. Ha ha ha

Well, this job is at an airport at the café there. And guess who was one of my customers today? Aaa, Mr.E. Cannot believe it. I knew he was flying today, but managed to forget it ( and with a boss like mine, who wouldn't?). So when I saw him I started sweating uncomfortably... I think everyone could see how I feel for him. He's just so....there's only one word for it, gorgeous! The thing is, everyone else (well at least the female species) thinks so too, but he doesn't seem to know. And that's what makes him even yummier...

When he realised that we couldn't have a chat he looked sad, so sweet. I'm not someone who thinks I'm all that when it comes to men, but I don't think I'm the ugliest duckling around either. Thing is, he's just so good looking I'm surprised that he wanted to snog me a few times way back when, let alone be my friend now and hang out. Like when my daughter and I were ill, he brought us a DVD to watch and offered to take us to the chemist to buy medicine for little F. ( He was too nervous going hemself in case he'd buy her the wrong meds. All together now; aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw...)

I'm going to dream about Mr.E tonight. I mean, that's innocent enough, isn't it? It's not like I'm going to try to steal him from his girlfriend, that's not me. And if he'd be one of those guys who cheats, he'd get knocked off my list of yummy guys straight away! I like to dream about him, cos I keep thinking that he can't be as good as he seems, no one is, right?

Can't Stop This Thing We've Started...

Hmmpf, I can't keep away now... No one's told med that this could get addictive, and this soon... amazing really!

So to continue where I left off. I've been single for about 2 years now. And over time the need to meet someone else has kind of drifted away, but I still find myself trying to look for someone who might become my knight in shining armour...or whatever... Although, as I've already stated, that is an impossibility in this town.

So, I met an absolutely brilliant guy (Mr. E), who I snogged when I'd only been in Sweden for about 4 months. Of course I freaked out, and freaked him out at the same time by not so gently removing him from on top of me with both my hands and feet while shouting: I cant' do this, I'm a mother!!!, during one late night session. Stupid stupid stupid Leyton I hear you moan....Yep, that's me in a nutshell. The first guy I meet, and a nice guy at that, I frighten off... At least I can state that we are now very good friends, he's got a lovely girlfriend now who I really really can't make myself hate, because she's as lovely as him...

I do have a secret crush on him I think, and I compare all guys to him, which I really shouldn't. But when you finally meet this one guy who takes your breath away a little bit, it's hard to let go of him...

But anyway, after Mr.E I met a few random guys who all were way too desperate for me to even consider them . That's the way it goes in smaller towns. When relationships end and people get older the desperation clings to them like really flaky dandruff. Horrible to look at and something you never want to touch or experience yourself.

Then, cue to Mr.E's cousin who's got a crush on me. Why is it that the guys that fall in love with me are always the guys that I only see as friends, and who I always end up using (can you help me with my car, would you mind putting up this shelf for me, can you help me get this bloke off my back?). He's sooo sweet, and he even helped me get a car. He actually lied to his parents and said that I borrowed the car from him, that they've sold him really cheap. And I let him!?!? That is NOT good for my karma. And I do believe in karma, I just never seem to get why everything bad happens to me, even though I use these poor guys left right and center, while secretly fancying their cousin/brother/best friend. Cos see, it's not the first time I do this... When am I ever going to learn....?

So really, why am I asking myself why I can't find a decent guy, you ask? When I am part of the problem? Well, I don't know, you tell me...

Lifetime Piling Up

My first ever blog...a bit scary and weird, but here goes...

So, it's now been two years, give or take a few days since I moved away from the chaotic and busy London to a small town in the north of Sweden. Becoming a single mum was hard , but at least the split from my daughters Dad was a mutual decision, and even though we've both got our less spiritual sides, he helps out best he can.

This little northern Swedish town is where I grew up, and a town that I'd honestly never thought I'd move back to again after having my daughter. My daughter, little F is going on 4 this month and is very exited about what sort of presents she'll get. Her Dad sent her her present and when she received it she thought she was going to see him too and was really upset when she realised that wasn't going to happen. She ran to our extra bedroom, which she calls Daddys room, since he sleeps there when he visits, and started crying for him.

That is the worst part about living here, that she can't see her Dad when ever she wants to. But I had to go back to find myself, and to grow up, start studying and getting over the fact that with out a boyfriend in London, being a single mum there would pretty much suck.

Who I thought were my friends ( bar a few true ones) kind of withdrew their friendship as soon as I got pregnant. I felt kind of alone and I found myself struggling with this loneliness alot, which in turn brought my relationship with little F's Dad to a standstill and eventually a sudden death...

So, here I am, wondering what to do with myself. Because what seemed so sure and definitive 2 years ago has changed. I went to adult college to get my grades in order, started studying at University to become a nursery teacher...and now I regret this choice... What to do now? What do I want to do when I grow up? Where do I see myself in 10 years? Or better yet, in 5? And where in the h*ll will I find someone to share my future with? Cos trust me, it ain't happening in this godforsaken town...