I'm Not Here For Your Entertainment

Honest to God! If I ever look at a man again, just shoot me down. What is wrong with them?!?! I thought he was a good person, a good person who at the end of the day was a friend and who could be something more. But I was wrong...again...

I thought I was using him a bit as well, but I've slowly realised that was not the case. He's now telling me that he can't see me anymore because this German girl likes him too much. What!?!? She's going back to freaking Germany in less than a week. He doesn't want a relationship with her...but he can't see me because it upsets her.

How about me? What about me getting hurt? What about my feelings? What about the fact that after she's gone we'll be forced to hang out together again?

It's for real this time. He's off my IM-list, my phone and my FB. He's gone. I've told him that this was the last straw. Not to call me again. Not to speak to me again. I don't care if we'll be at the same parties, don't speak to me, don't talk to me, don't even look at me. He will not exist to me ever again. If he thought I was angry with him a while ago he should understand that this is me in a f*cking rage!!!

I was fine before. I felt good. I was happy and content with having Little F and my friends and family. I was fine just having him as a secret crush... Why do I always do this to myself? Playing with fire? When I know I'm only getting hurt in the end.

How To Save A Life

My Mum died of ovarian cancer when I was only one year old. For six years my cousin has struggled with cancer to her intestines and stomach and she has gone through several operations and even ended up staying in a coma for a month due to the illness she's going through. My sister has just been named a survivor of breast cancer after trying to beat it for three years. When will it end?

I might sit here and mope over some guy who might or might not call me back, but how important is it really if he does? Do I honestly care? What is important, really?

At the end of the day, I would give up everything for the people I love. I would give up the love of a man if they would just be well and alive. I would. Wouldn't you for the people you care about?

I'm sitting here wondering what the h*ll I'm doing wasting time on a guy who clearly is a real piece of shite... What do I get out of it? Love? Happiness?

I've spent the last 2 years totally content with what I've got. My beautiful daughter. My family. My friends. What is a man?? What could he possibly give me that my daughter, my family and my friends can't?

I've come to the conclusion...absolutely nothing! Nothing! And to realise that is so annoying... Wasting my time on something that won't fix me, make me happier or leave me content with my life. But it is also relieving...

I'm going to save my own life now... Resurface and breathe again. Let go of the pain. Stay still and just breathe... Feel alive again... My pain and struggles are nothing in comparison to the pain of others... I know I will probably mope again in a few days, old habits hardly ever break. But I will keep in mind what I wrote today. I will keep in mind that there are things far more important than a man to feel alive...