Mr.E and I have kept out IM-relationship going since the "deed" last week. We decided to have a poker evening with some friends and it ended with him staying over. Little F was at home, but she's used to me having friends staying, so there was nothing weird for her waking up seeing Mr. E eating breakfast with us. He's real good with kids. He kept Little F entertained while I made her breakfast and when I went to shower.
We'd also decided to go canooing that day, so I'd gotten one of my friends to babysit. He cycled over there with us and she told me as I was picking Little F afterwards that she thought he quite fancies me because of the way he was helping me with Little F. But to be honest, that's just his way. He's really really kind to people he cares about, not just me. It's not special to him to be so helpful, it's natural.
Anyways, it started raining quite bad unfortunately, so we went for a pizza instead and then visited a friend of ours that had a baby 6 months ago and who's a little bit alone because her boyfriend ( Mr.E's best friend) works so much. It was just a chilled afternoon. Getting to know eachother face to face. We actually agreed that IM'ing eachother is our only means of non alcoholic communicating, which makes it harder for us to speak to eachother outside cyberworld. Hence spending an afternoon together. Sober.
Mr.E also divulged that his neighbor had gotten a bit too serious even though he'd told her that he didn't want a serious relationship. So, I don't know how much they'll see eachother anymore, but YEEEY!!! It's not that I want him to myself....hahahaha Of Course It Is!!!
On a more serious note. I've come to realise that my feelings for Mr.E are a bit tangled up in feelings of being alone... I really like him as a friend, but I can't really be sure that those other feelings, the stronger ones that I feel for him aren't mainly there because he makes me feel less alone... If you get me?
Oh, I don't know. I just know I enjoy spending rainy afternoons with him, and that he enjoys my company too. He's not scared of Little F even though most guys run the opposite direction when they hear the mention of a child. And, the fact that he's about 6", absolutely stunning and I can literally see girls drool when they notice him doesn't make him less attractive in my eyes. I know, sounds shallow, but also very true.
8/31/2008
8/28/2008
Highway To Hell
I cycled to work for the first time yesterday. My God! I honestly thought I was going to fall into a little pile of mush half way there. And I'm looking to become a policeman...hmmmpf... Not doing too well in the stamina department... It takes about an hour to cycle there and let me tell you that after working at a packed airport I was NOT looking forward to cycle all the way home, picking up Little F on the way as well.
To top it off I bought my first pair of serious ass kicking trainers the other day with the plan to start jogging at least 3 times a week. So I went with a friend, and I brought Little F with me in her buggy. Now, the buggy itself weighs at least 8 kilograms and Little F weighs in at 15 kilograms. Try that uphill when you haven't lifted anything heavier than a liter of milk in the last, I'd say 5 years ( I'm not including Little F in that since she's never nor will she ever be weighing me down, metaforically speaking). Needless to say, if I bring Little F with me everytime I go jogging I never have to join a gym...ever!!
On a more positive note, I managed to pass my first major test in computer science (ECDL-European Computer Drivers Licence). I only scored 80%, but given that the leaflet that my teacher had given me to study from only included every other page (yes I know!!!) I think I did quite well. I could have waited to take the test until next week, of course, but I have 5 other courses to get through, so I just want to get everything started asap.
I'm now one step closer to my goal. I know that it's hard to get accepted to the Police Academy here, but if I don't try I'll never know, right? It feels alot better doing this than studying to become a nursery teacher. I feel more alive and happier even though it's definitely going to be the toughest ride I've ever been on....
To top it off I bought my first pair of serious ass kicking trainers the other day with the plan to start jogging at least 3 times a week. So I went with a friend, and I brought Little F with me in her buggy. Now, the buggy itself weighs at least 8 kilograms and Little F weighs in at 15 kilograms. Try that uphill when you haven't lifted anything heavier than a liter of milk in the last, I'd say 5 years ( I'm not including Little F in that since she's never nor will she ever be weighing me down, metaforically speaking). Needless to say, if I bring Little F with me everytime I go jogging I never have to join a gym...ever!!
On a more positive note, I managed to pass my first major test in computer science (ECDL-European Computer Drivers Licence). I only scored 80%, but given that the leaflet that my teacher had given me to study from only included every other page (yes I know!!!) I think I did quite well. I could have waited to take the test until next week, of course, but I have 5 other courses to get through, so I just want to get everything started asap.
I'm now one step closer to my goal. I know that it's hard to get accepted to the Police Academy here, but if I don't try I'll never know, right? It feels alot better doing this than studying to become a nursery teacher. I feel more alive and happier even though it's definitely going to be the toughest ride I've ever been on....
8/25/2008
Ava Adore
...You'll always be my whore
Cause You're the one that I adore
And I'll pull Your crooked teeth
You'll be perfect just like me
In You I feel so Dirty
In You I crash Cars
In You I feel so Pretty
In You I taste God...
(Smashing Pumpkins)
So it has happened. Mr.E and me. The sexual tension that I thought I'd felt actually did exist. This past Friday he asked me to come over for a few drinks with friends. I felt a bit of flirting but was put off the scent a bit since he told me about the sexy neighbour. I still do think he's just trying to make me jealous with her, and he keeps on asking me about TSJ quite alot.
Sitting out on the balcony I could feel his hand on the small of my back gently touching me, but just a flicker so I thought I must've imagined it. We went out to the club, sat down at a table. Looked at each other and stood up almost straight away. We walked over to the dancefloor. Started kissing immediately. Took each others hands and walked out of the club, straight back to his flat...and well, you can guess the rest. What a waste of the door charge, you might think...
He asked me not to leave as abruptly as last time, but I told him that that would probably happen. He told me that he'd wanted this all this time, but was too afraid to pick up the nerve. That he had been unsure if I wanted this too. And then of course Girlfriend I & II got in the way. I can't explain it properly but it felt so right, even though I knew in my heart that it was wrong.
I don't want my heart to break, but I know it will. I'm too old to feel like this. I should be mature and capable to turn feelings on and off and just treat this for what it was. A mutual-friend-shag!
He also told me that he knew The Cousin has got feelings for me, but because I've made it clear that they are not reciprocated and we're all adults that that shouldn't stand in our way. But in our way of what? He's made it absolutely clear that he's not ready for anything serious. But spite of what he says I think he might be getting serious with his neighbour soon...
My friend says he's playing me, and of course he is, I'm letting him...I hadn't had sex in two years, I'd wanted Mr.E to take my "virginity" since I got back from London. And now that he has, I wish that he hadn't... He came over on Saturday. We decided it best to meet up to make sure that there are no weird feelings. We both think that our friendship is too valuable. But when he arrived we had nothing to say to each other. I also knew that he was going to a party with the sexy neighbour so it kind of put this uncomfortable wall between us.
But after he left he IM'd me when he got home, and we talked just like we used to pre-shag and he sent me a few songs. And this morning as I was getting ready he IM'd me again. Trying to help me find the books I need for school. See, weird... I'm probably reading too much inte everything, but he confuses me.
My friend also said that getting into bed with a friend is stupid, someone always gets hurt (me!) and because we hang out with the same group of people it's going to get weird. I know all of this and still I took the step from friends flirting to friends doing the dirty...
Yes, I know I've made a mistake. I do regret it...a bit. But it was going to happen one of these days anyways...Everyone around us has seen it... The only reason that I regret it though is because I'm going to get hurt. But on the other hand I think it was totally worth every second of it. Would I do it again is the question I'm asking myself? - Of course!!!! It wasn't a minute too soon or I would've burst!!!
Cause You're the one that I adore
And I'll pull Your crooked teeth
You'll be perfect just like me
In You I feel so Dirty
In You I crash Cars
In You I feel so Pretty
In You I taste God...
(Smashing Pumpkins)
So it has happened. Mr.E and me. The sexual tension that I thought I'd felt actually did exist. This past Friday he asked me to come over for a few drinks with friends. I felt a bit of flirting but was put off the scent a bit since he told me about the sexy neighbour. I still do think he's just trying to make me jealous with her, and he keeps on asking me about TSJ quite alot.
Sitting out on the balcony I could feel his hand on the small of my back gently touching me, but just a flicker so I thought I must've imagined it. We went out to the club, sat down at a table. Looked at each other and stood up almost straight away. We walked over to the dancefloor. Started kissing immediately. Took each others hands and walked out of the club, straight back to his flat...and well, you can guess the rest. What a waste of the door charge, you might think...
He asked me not to leave as abruptly as last time, but I told him that that would probably happen. He told me that he'd wanted this all this time, but was too afraid to pick up the nerve. That he had been unsure if I wanted this too. And then of course Girlfriend I & II got in the way. I can't explain it properly but it felt so right, even though I knew in my heart that it was wrong.
I don't want my heart to break, but I know it will. I'm too old to feel like this. I should be mature and capable to turn feelings on and off and just treat this for what it was. A mutual-friend-shag!
He also told me that he knew The Cousin has got feelings for me, but because I've made it clear that they are not reciprocated and we're all adults that that shouldn't stand in our way. But in our way of what? He's made it absolutely clear that he's not ready for anything serious. But spite of what he says I think he might be getting serious with his neighbour soon...
My friend says he's playing me, and of course he is, I'm letting him...I hadn't had sex in two years, I'd wanted Mr.E to take my "virginity" since I got back from London. And now that he has, I wish that he hadn't... He came over on Saturday. We decided it best to meet up to make sure that there are no weird feelings. We both think that our friendship is too valuable. But when he arrived we had nothing to say to each other. I also knew that he was going to a party with the sexy neighbour so it kind of put this uncomfortable wall between us.
But after he left he IM'd me when he got home, and we talked just like we used to pre-shag and he sent me a few songs. And this morning as I was getting ready he IM'd me again. Trying to help me find the books I need for school. See, weird... I'm probably reading too much inte everything, but he confuses me.
My friend also said that getting into bed with a friend is stupid, someone always gets hurt (me!) and because we hang out with the same group of people it's going to get weird. I know all of this and still I took the step from friends flirting to friends doing the dirty...
Yes, I know I've made a mistake. I do regret it...a bit. But it was going to happen one of these days anyways...Everyone around us has seen it... The only reason that I regret it though is because I'm going to get hurt. But on the other hand I think it was totally worth every second of it. Would I do it again is the question I'm asking myself? - Of course!!!! It wasn't a minute too soon or I would've burst!!!
8/21/2008
Highway To The Discomfort Zone
Mr. E now knows about The Cousin kissing me...and not from me. No wonder he's been blowing hot and cold the last few days. I knew he was going to find out, but I was kind of hoping, you know, that he wouldn't. And at the moment I feel like I'm stuck in a High School drama where there are some weird honour codes and guilt trip issues. So, The Cousin kissed me! I didn't kiss him back!!
I just know I should've been more daring and gone for a midnight swim with him. And then this wouldn't have happened. As I've stated before, it's all to do with Karma, and I guess the Karma I'm stuck with is all bad. Oooor, I'm just too mature to go swimming at night with a gorgeous man. Ha ha ha that sounded weird even in my head...
Thing is, Mr.E still IM's me every day, but now I don't know if he's doing it because he wants me to get it on with his cousin, or because he likes me. He had a party last night which I couldn't go to because of work, and I think he was flirting with that hot and sexy neighbour of his. This sucks! See, told you that I was going to fall for him and be miserable.
I would do something about this if I wasn't so scared it would ruin our friendship, because it means the world to me. And I'd rather have him as a friend than not at all. See, the High School drama continues (I've seen too many of them lately I think)... I'd miss him too much if we weren't friends. I'm just realising that I've been putting my feelings for him aside for such a long time now and that when he finally became single I just let them out...a little bit too soon....
Am I forever going to be a Peyton to Lucas or a Dawson to Joey? The love might be there, but obstacles and people are always going to be in our way? Or the person that I'm interested in will outgrow me before I make something happen?'
Love truly does hurt.....
I just know I should've been more daring and gone for a midnight swim with him. And then this wouldn't have happened. As I've stated before, it's all to do with Karma, and I guess the Karma I'm stuck with is all bad. Oooor, I'm just too mature to go swimming at night with a gorgeous man. Ha ha ha that sounded weird even in my head...
Thing is, Mr.E still IM's me every day, but now I don't know if he's doing it because he wants me to get it on with his cousin, or because he likes me. He had a party last night which I couldn't go to because of work, and I think he was flirting with that hot and sexy neighbour of his. This sucks! See, told you that I was going to fall for him and be miserable.
I would do something about this if I wasn't so scared it would ruin our friendship, because it means the world to me. And I'd rather have him as a friend than not at all. See, the High School drama continues (I've seen too many of them lately I think)... I'd miss him too much if we weren't friends. I'm just realising that I've been putting my feelings for him aside for such a long time now and that when he finally became single I just let them out...a little bit too soon....
Am I forever going to be a Peyton to Lucas or a Dawson to Joey? The love might be there, but obstacles and people are always going to be in our way? Or the person that I'm interested in will outgrow me before I make something happen?'
Love truly does hurt.....
8/18/2008
The Search For Something More
Mr. E IM'd me last night. He's back from his trip. He sent me the song 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins, a song I love, but he didn't know that. Makes me like him even more... So, after some casual conversation he asked me if I'd gone for a summer-swim at all this summer. I said no. He asked me if I was up for a midnight swim with him one of these nights before summer is gone. (Summer in the north of Sweden is short but sweet). I'd love to. Of course I do. But I didn't write that. I just wrote; "If you get me a babysitter. Hahaha" (What Is Wrong With Me?!?!)
I can't believe that's all I wrote, not even today, one day after it happened.... To top it off, Mr.E's very cute neighbour is after him now... (That didn't take long...?) But she might have screwed it up a bit, since she was doing the dirty with Mr.E's best friend who was borrowing his flat while he was out of town. Also, during the weekend of my cousin's wedding we had a class reunion from High School, which was a blast. Espesially since I got talking to the The School Jock, and an absolute stunner now in his 30's!! We've IM'd a bit, but he's away on a business trip now. TSJ is a single dad to 2 beautiful little girls. And a real catch. I told Mr. E about him (to get him a bit jealous, of course, and I do think it worked as well...a little bit at least...) Mr.E asked me about him last night...
I need to make my move soon, before Mr.E's cute neighbour does. I mean, Mr. E thinks she's cute, but he's not looking for anything serious with her. But that means Not turning down invitations of midnight swims!!!!! Ever!!!!! Again!!!!!
I can't believe that's all I wrote, not even today, one day after it happened.... To top it off, Mr.E's very cute neighbour is after him now... (That didn't take long...?) But she might have screwed it up a bit, since she was doing the dirty with Mr.E's best friend who was borrowing his flat while he was out of town. Also, during the weekend of my cousin's wedding we had a class reunion from High School, which was a blast. Espesially since I got talking to the The School Jock, and an absolute stunner now in his 30's!! We've IM'd a bit, but he's away on a business trip now. TSJ is a single dad to 2 beautiful little girls. And a real catch. I told Mr. E about him (to get him a bit jealous, of course, and I do think it worked as well...a little bit at least...) Mr.E asked me about him last night...
I need to make my move soon, before Mr.E's cute neighbour does. I mean, Mr. E thinks she's cute, but he's not looking for anything serious with her. But that means Not turning down invitations of midnight swims!!!!! Ever!!!!! Again!!!!!
8/14/2008
Suddenly Everything Has Changed
I made a descision today about my future. I went to the Adult Community College and applied for some courses to become a fulltime student there instead of at Uni. So from Monday I will read history, psychology, legal science and a full computer course called The ECDL. I'm quite exited actually. I'm reading this to be able to apply to the Swedish Police Academy next Autumn, or maybe even sooner. It depends on how fit I manage to get come Spring.... I'm going to try my best.
Mr. E has been keeping in touch quite regularly. He's in France at the moment on holiday, but has managed to IM me every day. If I could just get into his head and figure out if he really likes ME or if he's just a friend. I wish it would be more, but with my luck in men, it never is....
And Mr.E's cousin is being really persistant, even though I've told him friends only... What's up with the world!?!? I always want the one I can't get, and the one I can get, I don't want. Karma! That's the only word I can come up with that can shine a light on my problems right now. I must have done something in a previous life banning true happiness from this one. If something is going right in one area of my life, trust me when I say that the other area's going right through a thunderstorm or blizzard at that exact moment.
I've been literally working my little bony a** off these last few weeks. My funny boss is even funnier than ever. I went to my cousins wedding the other night and as we were speaking about my new job and where it was, one of the guys said that when he was at the airport a few months ago the coffee shop had been closed for no apparent reason and there had been a guy mopping the floors there. Some of the travellers had been upset that the coffe shop was closed, but the guy mopping the floor had just looked at them and kept going about his business.... Funny thing is, the coffee shop should've been open...and the only guy working there is....low and behold, my boss!!! He just couldn't give a rat's if customers gets angry....and he opens when he feels like it. And if a customer gets antsy with him, he'll just keep the shop closed for an extra few minutes. Just to tick-them-off!!!! Weirdo...
We still haven't heard from my brother in person. Apparently (according to his girlfriend) he's really really upset... God, if he's upset, imagine how my Gran must feel and how she felt when we didn't know if he was even alive. I never knew such selfishness.... and I hope I never will again... My poor Gran. And my poor Uncle who set his alarm at 3am every night my brother was gone to phone his mobile, just in case... I'm still mad at my brother. But I'm glad I haven't been able to speak to him yet, I might have disowned him if I had!!!
I'm holding Little F's Birthday party on Sunday. Finally!!!! But after everything that's been going on we haven't had time to sort it out. Plus all her little friends have been on holiday until now. And you must agree that a Birthday party is that much better when you have friends attending it as well. She's getting all exited and she's chosen Winnie-the-Pooh cups and multiple coloured balloons. It's going to be great and right now I don't know who's more exited, me or her. I'm making her a Hello Kitty cake, that's she's espesially wished for!!! Yeeey...!!!!
Mr. E has been keeping in touch quite regularly. He's in France at the moment on holiday, but has managed to IM me every day. If I could just get into his head and figure out if he really likes ME or if he's just a friend. I wish it would be more, but with my luck in men, it never is....
And Mr.E's cousin is being really persistant, even though I've told him friends only... What's up with the world!?!? I always want the one I can't get, and the one I can get, I don't want. Karma! That's the only word I can come up with that can shine a light on my problems right now. I must have done something in a previous life banning true happiness from this one. If something is going right in one area of my life, trust me when I say that the other area's going right through a thunderstorm or blizzard at that exact moment.
I've been literally working my little bony a** off these last few weeks. My funny boss is even funnier than ever. I went to my cousins wedding the other night and as we were speaking about my new job and where it was, one of the guys said that when he was at the airport a few months ago the coffee shop had been closed for no apparent reason and there had been a guy mopping the floors there. Some of the travellers had been upset that the coffe shop was closed, but the guy mopping the floor had just looked at them and kept going about his business.... Funny thing is, the coffee shop should've been open...and the only guy working there is....low and behold, my boss!!! He just couldn't give a rat's if customers gets angry....and he opens when he feels like it. And if a customer gets antsy with him, he'll just keep the shop closed for an extra few minutes. Just to tick-them-off!!!! Weirdo...
We still haven't heard from my brother in person. Apparently (according to his girlfriend) he's really really upset... God, if he's upset, imagine how my Gran must feel and how she felt when we didn't know if he was even alive. I never knew such selfishness.... and I hope I never will again... My poor Gran. And my poor Uncle who set his alarm at 3am every night my brother was gone to phone his mobile, just in case... I'm still mad at my brother. But I'm glad I haven't been able to speak to him yet, I might have disowned him if I had!!!
I'm holding Little F's Birthday party on Sunday. Finally!!!! But after everything that's been going on we haven't had time to sort it out. Plus all her little friends have been on holiday until now. And you must agree that a Birthday party is that much better when you have friends attending it as well. She's getting all exited and she's chosen Winnie-the-Pooh cups and multiple coloured balloons. It's going to be great and right now I don't know who's more exited, me or her. I'm making her a Hello Kitty cake, that's she's espesially wished for!!! Yeeey...!!!!
8/02/2008
Brave New World
First off... My brother is safe. My Gran got a call from the police in my brothers home town and they told her that they'd spoken to his girlfriend who said he was somewhere nearby. Now, we still haven't spoken to my brother, but I'm not freaking out as much now.... My Gran called about an hour ago to let me know...When I see him though, I might have to hurt him a little bit (joke)...
And now to the other news...Mr. E just IM'd me. He's back in Sweden and broke it off with his girlfriend tonight. I'm a bit stunned. First, that he even broke up with her. Second, that he got in touch with me so soon after doing it. Shouldn't read too much into it.... (Dam dam ta dam Dam da ta dam - *hums The Wedding March) No seriously, at least now he's free to flirt with!!!
He actually called me last night to see if I was going out, but I was working. I do like him...alot...But I kinda liked that my crush on him was a dead end... Now I just know that my crush will get serious and I'll end up with a broken heart...
But it's all in all a bad day turned good!!! So for now, keep safe and remember to tell everyone you care for that you love them and don't go to bed angry....so much can happen in a blink of an eye....
And now to the other news...Mr. E just IM'd me. He's back in Sweden and broke it off with his girlfriend tonight. I'm a bit stunned. First, that he even broke up with her. Second, that he got in touch with me so soon after doing it. Shouldn't read too much into it.... (Dam dam ta dam Dam da ta dam - *hums The Wedding March) No seriously, at least now he's free to flirt with!!!
He actually called me last night to see if I was going out, but I was working. I do like him...alot...But I kinda liked that my crush on him was a dead end... Now I just know that my crush will get serious and I'll end up with a broken heart...
But it's all in all a bad day turned good!!! So for now, keep safe and remember to tell everyone you care for that you love them and don't go to bed angry....so much can happen in a blink of an eye....
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