Can't Stop This Thing We've Started...

Hmmpf, I can't keep away now... No one's told med that this could get addictive, and this soon... amazing really!

So to continue where I left off. I've been single for about 2 years now. And over time the need to meet someone else has kind of drifted away, but I still find myself trying to look for someone who might become my knight in shining armour...or whatever... Although, as I've already stated, that is an impossibility in this town.

So, I met an absolutely brilliant guy (Mr. E), who I snogged when I'd only been in Sweden for about 4 months. Of course I freaked out, and freaked him out at the same time by not so gently removing him from on top of me with both my hands and feet while shouting: I cant' do this, I'm a mother!!!, during one late night session. Stupid stupid stupid Leyton I hear you moan....Yep, that's me in a nutshell. The first guy I meet, and a nice guy at that, I frighten off... At least I can state that we are now very good friends, he's got a lovely girlfriend now who I really really can't make myself hate, because she's as lovely as him...

I do have a secret crush on him I think, and I compare all guys to him, which I really shouldn't. But when you finally meet this one guy who takes your breath away a little bit, it's hard to let go of him...

But anyway, after Mr.E I met a few random guys who all were way too desperate for me to even consider them . That's the way it goes in smaller towns. When relationships end and people get older the desperation clings to them like really flaky dandruff. Horrible to look at and something you never want to touch or experience yourself.

Then, cue to Mr.E's cousin who's got a crush on me. Why is it that the guys that fall in love with me are always the guys that I only see as friends, and who I always end up using (can you help me with my car, would you mind putting up this shelf for me, can you help me get this bloke off my back?). He's sooo sweet, and he even helped me get a car. He actually lied to his parents and said that I borrowed the car from him, that they've sold him really cheap. And I let him!?!? That is NOT good for my karma. And I do believe in karma, I just never seem to get why everything bad happens to me, even though I use these poor guys left right and center, while secretly fancying their cousin/brother/best friend. Cos see, it's not the first time I do this... When am I ever going to learn....?

So really, why am I asking myself why I can't find a decent guy, you ask? When I am part of the problem? Well, I don't know, you tell me...

Lifetime Piling Up

My first ever blog...a bit scary and weird, but here goes...

So, it's now been two years, give or take a few days since I moved away from the chaotic and busy London to a small town in the north of Sweden. Becoming a single mum was hard , but at least the split from my daughters Dad was a mutual decision, and even though we've both got our less spiritual sides, he helps out best he can.

This little northern Swedish town is where I grew up, and a town that I'd honestly never thought I'd move back to again after having my daughter. My daughter, little F is going on 4 this month and is very exited about what sort of presents she'll get. Her Dad sent her her present and when she received it she thought she was going to see him too and was really upset when she realised that wasn't going to happen. She ran to our extra bedroom, which she calls Daddys room, since he sleeps there when he visits, and started crying for him.

That is the worst part about living here, that she can't see her Dad when ever she wants to. But I had to go back to find myself, and to grow up, start studying and getting over the fact that with out a boyfriend in London, being a single mum there would pretty much suck.

Who I thought were my friends ( bar a few true ones) kind of withdrew their friendship as soon as I got pregnant. I felt kind of alone and I found myself struggling with this loneliness alot, which in turn brought my relationship with little F's Dad to a standstill and eventually a sudden death...

So, here I am, wondering what to do with myself. Because what seemed so sure and definitive 2 years ago has changed. I went to adult college to get my grades in order, started studying at University to become a nursery teacher...and now I regret this choice... What to do now? What do I want to do when I grow up? Where do I see myself in 10 years? Or better yet, in 5? And where in the h*ll will I find someone to share my future with? Cos trust me, it ain't happening in this godforsaken town...