Somewhere The Clock Is Ticking

My brother has now been officially (after we've called the police) missing for 2 days, but he's actually been missing for 6... No one knows where he is, and I'm really getting worried now.

He lives in the south of Sweden, just outside of Stockholm and he was supposed to go up north last Wednesday ( to visit us for Little F's Birthday). He called my Gran and told her that he'd missed the train north and was going to Stockholm to try to catch a bus going back to his home town before trying to head up north again on Thursday. We haven't heard from him since.

Now we all know he likes his drink so we thought he'd just stayed in Stockholm. But he always always keeps in touch with Gran. I've tried not to think about it for a few days now, but it's really getting to me. What if something has happened to him???

Good News For People Who Love Bad News

If there is one thing about living in a small town when studying that I can't stand is the lack of work there is to get when there is a holiday...just like this one. Summer holidays are the worst for students in small towns. Espesially students who can't just up and leave during the summer months, like me. I've got a small child, so I can't go to one of the bigger cities to work for a couple of months so to speak. Unless I go see Little F's dad, but we tried that last summer and it didn't go so well, but that's another story...

This is why I've only managed to get extra work in a coffee shop at our local airport. Sounds fun to some, except the fact that in order to keep that job I had to get a car (cheap, of course through B, the guy that unfortunately fancies me, who I don't fancy back) and my daughter has to go to 2 different nurserys, one during the day and another during the night. It's very common to some people, but those people should also know that that sucks for our children even though it is necessary for us to make our living. I'm not complaining about the nurserys, the nursery teachers are brilliant!!! I just think it sucks that's all, that my child is the one that suffers because there aren't any jobs available for single parents...

I do like working in coffee shops and such because I like the social bit, even tough I tend to h*te customers...weird huh? But at airport cafés I've found that people don't have the time to whine about this that and the other, they just want their coffee before their plane leaves, so it doesn't suck too bad... =D

My boss still confuses me though. After a week of him moaning and sighing at the sight of me, he's now started to compliment me?!?! Now, how weird is that? I'm still not sure if he's being sarcastic. I don't think so, but one can't be too sure.... hmmmm......

Back to the bit about the car. So, it leaks gas, big time. There was a big lake under the car this morning when I was going to use it, so I had to call B, who I haven't spoken to properly since that night. A tiny tad unfomfortable.... I still don't know what's wrong with it, but we'll see. Hopefully I can drive it to work soon.... It's a bit of a trek really...

All These Things That I Have Done

Well, what can I say? -If I had any doubt that Mr. E's cousin liked me, I am sure now. Ohmigod!

To start from the beginning... I had an old friend over for a few glasses of wine on Friday night. We sat on the balcony covered by the warm embrace of the sun when B called. I told him to come over if he wanted to, I mean, I see us as friends. I thought we were friends....

We all laughed, no need to tell you the boring and drunk things we said, that's not important any way. But i could feel that he was trying to come on to me. Ignoring that I walked him to the door as he was leaving, as I always do to lock the door behind him. He turned around and kissed me!!!Now I have to say, I didn't kiss him back. Although I've known that he likes me, I 've never thought of him that way...at all!

So I guess my question is; can you learn to find someone attractive if you know that this person is a great person? I mean, he is attractive in a way. Tall, lean and well mannered. And on top of that he's a brilliant friend... But I just don't feel that ..... thing when we're together. But is there a chance that I ever will?

I haven't had a boyfriend, or even a date for that matter since little F's dad and I separated, but should I give it a go? Thing is, I know him already, so what more is there to know...except for the attractiveness?!?!? And to top it off, he happens to be my secret loveinterest's cousin....hmpf!

My Way Home Is Through You

Tomorrow is Little F's 4th Birthday and she's getting really exited. Presents has started to arrive by the dozen from all her relatives in England. But she's very good at putting them away to open on her Birthday. The only thing she misses is her Daddy.

I spoke to him yesterday and he feels really bad missing out, but they'll speak on the phone and probably IM each other. Ha ha sounds funny, Little F and her Daddy writing to each other when she's only 4. But she's really good at spelling. She knows her name, Daddy, Mummy and her 3 best friends names. She also knows most first letters in other friends and familymembers names, so she' on her way and I' m very very proud.

Little Miss F is my life. I owe her all of my happiness. She's this perfect little person who I love unconditionally and she loves me unconditionally too. I sometimes wonder how I got to deserve something so pure like that. She's truly the apple of my eye and even though we argue like mad sometimes I can't help but thinking that without her my life would be totally meaningless.

I can't wait til tomorrow to see her beautiful face light up when she sees the Birthday cake and presents. I love her more than life itself!!!

You Gotta Go There To Come Back

I know that I said that I am content with living in this little northern Swedish town, but I think I might have lied. I always planned to go back to London after finishing my degree. But since I've been back for 2 years now, and barely started a degree I'm starting to panic a little... The main reason for panicking is of course the fact that I'm having second thoughts about what I really want to do with the rest of my life.

The second reason is that I see myself getting stuck in the tiny teensy town with no real hopes for the future. Dead end job, dead end flat and dead end boyfriend. That's NOT how I pictured my life 10 years ago when I slowly started planning going to London for the first time. I was going to be someone!!! And I know that the only one who can change my life to what I want it to be, is me!!

But then there are my friends, who I'll miss soooo much if I do decide to go back to the fast pace of London. They used to live there with me, back when I first moved there. They know what it's like, how mesmerizing that city can be. I miss walking down The Strand, heading towards Covent Garden, sitting on the piazza sipping latté and watching the street performers there... I miss Richmond and my favourite pub, The Marlborough... I miss The Opera Tavern and celeb spotting... The only thing I missed when I was there was my friends!

I do enjoy Sweden, but in another way. I guess I'm just aching for what I knew back then. And someday I might just go back!!!

This Is My Home Town

It's really pouring down outside. I've been sitting on my balcony for a while staring at the rain and I've come to the conclusion that when it's raining I really miss London. I wouldn't be sitting on my balcony staring at the rain there. No, I'd be in a warm and cosy pub with a glass of wine and The Times, trying go get the Sudoku puzzle right. I do miss London sometimes, espesially days like these. If the sun is out, I don't mind this little home town of mine, I actually enjoy warm summer days here. But on a day like this I wish I could still go down the road to my local and spend the whole afternoon there gossiping with the staff.

To be honest, there aren't even any coffee shops open in this town on week nights, and on Sundays you'd better have coffee at home... There's like, one pub, that is open on weekends after 10pm. Yea, it sucks big time. But this is life in a small town. But I do like it, it's my home town you know... And all my friends are here. My friends from the past, who knows me, all about me. I don't have to tell them about the old me, they already know me. And they don't mind that I'm a bit of a loser sometimes. They love me anyway. And that's what makes me love them even more.

By coming home I've also managed to re kindle some old friendships from when I was really little. ( Jess!!!! Mwaah!!!) And it feels great. Do You know when you know a true friend? - By the way you are when you're together! Even though it might have been 10 years since you last really, really had a conversation there is no weirdness when you speak, no awkward pauses or boring questions/comments about the weather. Those are the friends to hold on to...!

Every Day is Like A Sunday Evening

Another day has gone by. Just got off work, yes, I do work . I have to, I'm a responsible adult with a child, even though I manage to be a student and total spaz at the same time...go figure!

So, work....what can I say? I have the weirdest boss. Soooo moody it's unbelievable. I've just come off my third shift there, but he seems to think I should know it all right this second. Yea, like I'm some sort of mind reader... I might have known it all if ANYONE would tell me what I am supposed to do!!! My new work place is sort of like a bingo alley. Turn the little handle and see all the little balls with the numbers rumble in the big glasstumbler and hope for the right number to show up... Jeez...! He makes me laugh though. If customers knew what he says about them behind their backs, they'd sue his a**. Ha ha ha

Well, this job is at an airport at the café there. And guess who was one of my customers today? Aaa, Mr.E. Cannot believe it. I knew he was flying today, but managed to forget it ( and with a boss like mine, who wouldn't?). So when I saw him I started sweating uncomfortably... I think everyone could see how I feel for him. He's just so....there's only one word for it, gorgeous! The thing is, everyone else (well at least the female species) thinks so too, but he doesn't seem to know. And that's what makes him even yummier...

When he realised that we couldn't have a chat he looked sad, so sweet. I'm not someone who thinks I'm all that when it comes to men, but I don't think I'm the ugliest duckling around either. Thing is, he's just so good looking I'm surprised that he wanted to snog me a few times way back when, let alone be my friend now and hang out. Like when my daughter and I were ill, he brought us a DVD to watch and offered to take us to the chemist to buy medicine for little F. ( He was too nervous going hemself in case he'd buy her the wrong meds. All together now; aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw...)

I'm going to dream about Mr.E tonight. I mean, that's innocent enough, isn't it? It's not like I'm going to try to steal him from his girlfriend, that's not me. And if he'd be one of those guys who cheats, he'd get knocked off my list of yummy guys straight away! I like to dream about him, cos I keep thinking that he can't be as good as he seems, no one is, right?

Can't Stop This Thing We've Started...

Hmmpf, I can't keep away now... No one's told med that this could get addictive, and this soon... amazing really!

So to continue where I left off. I've been single for about 2 years now. And over time the need to meet someone else has kind of drifted away, but I still find myself trying to look for someone who might become my knight in shining armour...or whatever... Although, as I've already stated, that is an impossibility in this town.

So, I met an absolutely brilliant guy (Mr. E), who I snogged when I'd only been in Sweden for about 4 months. Of course I freaked out, and freaked him out at the same time by not so gently removing him from on top of me with both my hands and feet while shouting: I cant' do this, I'm a mother!!!, during one late night session. Stupid stupid stupid Leyton I hear you moan....Yep, that's me in a nutshell. The first guy I meet, and a nice guy at that, I frighten off... At least I can state that we are now very good friends, he's got a lovely girlfriend now who I really really can't make myself hate, because she's as lovely as him...

I do have a secret crush on him I think, and I compare all guys to him, which I really shouldn't. But when you finally meet this one guy who takes your breath away a little bit, it's hard to let go of him...

But anyway, after Mr.E I met a few random guys who all were way too desperate for me to even consider them . That's the way it goes in smaller towns. When relationships end and people get older the desperation clings to them like really flaky dandruff. Horrible to look at and something you never want to touch or experience yourself.

Then, cue to Mr.E's cousin who's got a crush on me. Why is it that the guys that fall in love with me are always the guys that I only see as friends, and who I always end up using (can you help me with my car, would you mind putting up this shelf for me, can you help me get this bloke off my back?). He's sooo sweet, and he even helped me get a car. He actually lied to his parents and said that I borrowed the car from him, that they've sold him really cheap. And I let him!?!? That is NOT good for my karma. And I do believe in karma, I just never seem to get why everything bad happens to me, even though I use these poor guys left right and center, while secretly fancying their cousin/brother/best friend. Cos see, it's not the first time I do this... When am I ever going to learn....?

So really, why am I asking myself why I can't find a decent guy, you ask? When I am part of the problem? Well, I don't know, you tell me...

Lifetime Piling Up

My first ever blog...a bit scary and weird, but here goes...

So, it's now been two years, give or take a few days since I moved away from the chaotic and busy London to a small town in the north of Sweden. Becoming a single mum was hard , but at least the split from my daughters Dad was a mutual decision, and even though we've both got our less spiritual sides, he helps out best he can.

This little northern Swedish town is where I grew up, and a town that I'd honestly never thought I'd move back to again after having my daughter. My daughter, little F is going on 4 this month and is very exited about what sort of presents she'll get. Her Dad sent her her present and when she received it she thought she was going to see him too and was really upset when she realised that wasn't going to happen. She ran to our extra bedroom, which she calls Daddys room, since he sleeps there when he visits, and started crying for him.

That is the worst part about living here, that she can't see her Dad when ever she wants to. But I had to go back to find myself, and to grow up, start studying and getting over the fact that with out a boyfriend in London, being a single mum there would pretty much suck.

Who I thought were my friends ( bar a few true ones) kind of withdrew their friendship as soon as I got pregnant. I felt kind of alone and I found myself struggling with this loneliness alot, which in turn brought my relationship with little F's Dad to a standstill and eventually a sudden death...

So, here I am, wondering what to do with myself. Because what seemed so sure and definitive 2 years ago has changed. I went to adult college to get my grades in order, started studying at University to become a nursery teacher...and now I regret this choice... What to do now? What do I want to do when I grow up? Where do I see myself in 10 years? Or better yet, in 5? And where in the h*ll will I find someone to share my future with? Cos trust me, it ain't happening in this godforsaken town...