The Games That Play Us

I don't know what to think of Mr.E. He wanted to buy me lunch yesterday for us to talk things out. I asked him if The German wouldn't get "upset" if we did. His response: She'll survive.

So a week after telling me we couldn't see eachother because of "german upsetness" he's willing to break the rule he set up. I declined the offer saying that I have too much studying to do (which is partly true) although my heart and head were literally trying to kill eachother off!! I do want to see hm, but I need to stay strong...and also, I'm not getting my hair done til next week and I want to look absolutely stunning next time we meet, in a, I'm-so-much-better-off-without-you way...Look at me now, you wimp!!!

So, also realised that even though I take him off my IM-list he can still IM me... Didn't know that one...hmmm. But in a way I'm glad that he IM'd me. Ha ha ha! No wonder guys don't get us girls....

The mindplaying and headfogging games that will tear us down. I need to stop. He needs to stop. I can't take it anymore. But I still want him soooo badly. But having had time to think closely about my feelings for him, I can safely say that I'm not in love with him. He just stirred awake all those feelings inside of me that I thought I'd left behind me, in London. I haven't had a feeling like this for over 5 years now, and it's confusing. I'm not in love with Mr.E. In lust? -Maybe. In yearning? -Definitely.

But what am I yearning for? -Being touched, feeling wanted... All games... All games just to get what we want. And when we don't get what we want, we should let go and move on... So why can't I? Is it impossible?