New Life, New Beginning.

I lost myself for at while. And now I'm found. I apologise....

New blog, new life, new beginnings.

http://kurimo11.blogspot.com

Oh, Mother.

Sometimes I really miss my Mum. I don't really know what to miss, since she passed away when I was a year old. But I guess I miss having that closeness that all my other friends seem to have with their Mums. And I guess I miss having that person, the one and only person who knows me inside out. Well, that's what I'm hoping would've been the case, had my Mum survived her cancer.

There used to be a time when I hated her. I hated her for leaving me. For abandoning me. For dying. I hated her for letting me live in a world where there was no room for someone without a Mum.

I hated her for leaving me with a Dad so filled of mourning over the wife he'd lost, that he forgot about his child due to alcoholfumed nights, mornings and afternoons.

I hated her for leaving me with my Grandparents who only seemed to think I was in their way (I now know that wasn't the case, but feeling abandoned as a child can make you think weird things. Although I'm not saying my childhood with them was easy with a Grandfather who bullied us into submission and a Grandmother too respectful and maybe too scared to stand up to him.)

And then I started hating myself for hating her. Because I knew, it wasn't her fault. She didn't choose to get cancer. She didn't choose to die. She didn't chose to leave me. It just happened.

As this dawned on me, that it just happened for no reason, that it wasn't her fault or mine, I started to hate God. Why would he take her from me? Why couldn't he have taken someone elses Mum? Why take someone at all? Because I needed to blaim someone. It's easier to cope that way...

I used to lie awake at night, fantasising about it all being a mistake. My Mum would come and get me. My Dad would stop drinking. And we would all live happily ever after. Realising that my fantasy would never ever come true used to kill me a little bit inside every day. Until I stopped. Until I realised. Things happen for a reason. (Be it destiny or fate.)

I became a mother myself. I looked down at her little face. Filled with this love I realised that without my history, without all that happened to me, I wouldn't have had my daughter. I wouldn't get to feel her tiny arms around me, whispering "I love you Mummy". I wouldn't get to wake up each and every day with her warm breath against my cheek.

Because of my own Mum passing, I get to experience what she never did. And I believe that through me, if I just wish hard enough, she gets to feel what I'm feeling when I'm holding my daughter... Hoping that she is as proud of me of what I've accomplished as I am of myself!

Hurt

I don't know where to start. I went to a party last Friday with some friends who are not aquianted to Mr.E. Or so I thought. Now, thing is, my friend S has started to slowly date Mr.E's friend D.

S told me the night of the party that D had asked to come and to bring two friends. S of course asked him who his friends were. Not Mr.E. (Thank God).

So, got to the party, had a real great time. I'd brought one of my old friends from Secondary School with me who'd called me out of the blue the weekend before. I'd found out that he is now single again. (Fabulous!!)

As I was sitting there drinking my second glass of wine I could see S and D entering. Behind them was...Mr.E. S looked at me trying to mouth something to me but all I could see was him. How dare he? How dare he ruin my night?, was all I could think. Granted he looked nervous when he saw me. But he's the one who told me that I should go look for someone else. Then what is he doing here now? (S told me later that D had said to start with, that Mr.E was going out with some other guys, but as they went to pick up D's friends he'd told S that Mr.E was coming too. Out of the blue. When they boys got in the taxi the other two was annoyed that they were going to some dude's Birthday party, but Mr.E was adamant, he wanted to go.)

The rest of the night is somewhat a blur. Not due to drinking too much, but being so angry and humiliated. What he was doing there I will probably never find out....

He tried to talk to me and dance with me. I was having none of it. I was being nice and polite, not wanting him to see how it all affected me. But ever since I've been thinking why, why did he come? Does he have feelings for me? Is it all a game? But why would he attend a Birthday party of someone he doesn't even know if it's just a game to him? Why go through all that trouble?

I don't know. And part of me doesn't even want to know. But there is a teeny tiny bit of my heart that wonders: does he feel the same as I do?

Not that I want a relationship with him. I just wish that I wasn't alone in feeling like this. I just wish that he was hurting too. Just like me.

Freedom

I know I've said it before, and I'm saying it again. But the only difference is: this time I truly mean it. Mr.E is now forever banned from my life (except of course on the odd occasion when we'll be forced to share space when we happen to go to the same parties...since stopping to share a bed together doesn't include dividing our friends up...)

I feel oddly free today. I do feel sad, but free. And sort of happier. I can't do this to Little F anymore. She was getting attached to someone who wasn't going to be there for her in the long run. And I couldn't let that happen.

Trying to be friends with someone who doesn't seem to be able to keep his hands to himself, but still urging me to find someone else, is not the one I need in my life. He's out!! No more.

Weird thing is. I didn't even feel it was necessary to tell him all these things I was feeling. I couldn't even be asked. Enough is enough.

I'm gonna finish off by quoting Rachel from Friends; "We're soooo over!"

She

Soon another Christmas has past. And I don't know where all the years have gone. Little F's fourth Christmas. And she's now turned into quite a lady. My little lady. She's the one thing in my life that's constant. My funny little girl.

On Sunday a celebrity visited our town. He was in the Swedish version of Idol. His name is Markus Fagervall. He's an exceptional singer and I hope he'll do well in the future.

So, we went there to see him sing (I was babysitting my seven-year-old Goddaughter at the time who absolutely adores him, so does Little F). We were going to get them a signed CD as well. Little F has got this stuffed toy called Zippy that she wanted to give him, so we brought it.

We got to the table he was sitting at after he'd sung. The girls said hello and Little F gave him the toy. So far all is good...until we'd walked outside. I looked back at Little F, and there she was, crying her little eyes out. I asked what was wrong. "I want Zippy baaaaaaack", she wailed. So, we had to go all the way back and ask for her toy back. (Highly embarrasing.) Fortunately I had a friend working there selling his CD's, so she got the toy back for us (phew).

Today at school I met my friend, and she told me that Markus had laughed at the situation, saying that it was really funny, this little girl giving him a toy and then taking it back minutes later. He'd said that it was like pulling a rug from under his feet saying; you can't have my toy, you're not good enough. (Haa haha ha)

My little F. My hero. My darling child who always manages to put a smile on my face. I'm so happy that she's here in the world bringing all this happiness into my life.

Trouble Is A Friend

Trouble, He will find You
no matter where You go.
No Matter if You're fast,
no matter if You're slow.
The eye of the storm
and the cry in the morn.
You're fine for a while
but You start to lose control.

He's there in the dark.
He's there in my heart.
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part.
Trouble is a friend,
yea trouble is a friend
of mine.

Trouble is a friend
but trouble is a foe.
And no matter what I feed Him
He always seems to grow.
He sees what I see
and He knows what I know.
So don't forget as You
ease on down the road.

He's there in the dark.
He's there in my heart.
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part.
Trouble is a friend,
yea trouble is a friend
of mine.

So don't be alarmed
if He takes You by the arm.
I won't let Him win,
but I'm a sucker for His charm.
Trouble is a friend,
yea trouble is a friend
of mine.

Oh how I hate the way He makes me feel.
And how I try to make Him leave.
I try.

Lenka

The Riddle

Have you ever really sat down to think about life? Your life? What you want out of if? - I realise that I haven't. Not really. Life is a riddle. And the more I think of it, the harder it gets to get the knack of all the little pieces of the riddle.

So, I sat down tonight with a piece of paper and a pen and tried to scribble down this riddle of mine that is my life. Not the easiest task to follow through. I'm not even half finished. I mean, my life hasn't barely started if you ask me. Well, here goes:

1. A number 1 hit in The US
2. My own football team
3. Become a fire figther
4. Join the police (hopefully soon to be ticked off the list)
5. Be a mother (aaaaa *tick*)
6. Work abroad (*tick*)
8. To be loved (Thanks Nova for reminding me, *tick*)
9. To love (well, I totally include Little F in that, so *tick*)
10.Go on all the rollercoasters in the world

Now, that is my list so far. Not many ticks. But most of these items on my list are from when I was about 11 years old. I need a new one. These are brainshattering matters, if you must know. Urgent. Espesially when I have to study for an exam I have tomorrow....

But let me tell you, no matter how old, I will always want to go on all of those rollercoasters. Cos they're the best. Just like life.