The Games That Play Us

I don't know what to think of Mr.E. He wanted to buy me lunch yesterday for us to talk things out. I asked him if The German wouldn't get "upset" if we did. His response: She'll survive.

So a week after telling me we couldn't see eachother because of "german upsetness" he's willing to break the rule he set up. I declined the offer saying that I have too much studying to do (which is partly true) although my heart and head were literally trying to kill eachother off!! I do want to see hm, but I need to stay strong...and also, I'm not getting my hair done til next week and I want to look absolutely stunning next time we meet, in a, I'm-so-much-better-off-without-you way...Look at me now, you wimp!!!

So, also realised that even though I take him off my IM-list he can still IM me... Didn't know that one...hmmm. But in a way I'm glad that he IM'd me. Ha ha ha! No wonder guys don't get us girls....

The mindplaying and headfogging games that will tear us down. I need to stop. He needs to stop. I can't take it anymore. But I still want him soooo badly. But having had time to think closely about my feelings for him, I can safely say that I'm not in love with him. He just stirred awake all those feelings inside of me that I thought I'd left behind me, in London. I haven't had a feeling like this for over 5 years now, and it's confusing. I'm not in love with Mr.E. In lust? -Maybe. In yearning? -Definitely.

But what am I yearning for? -Being touched, feeling wanted... All games... All games just to get what we want. And when we don't get what we want, we should let go and move on... So why can't I? Is it impossible?

What's Going On?

And every time I think I'm feeling better I hear from him again...

That's What You Get

For 2 days I've tried to avoid staring at my phone, my computer and myself. What have I done? This feeling of absolute surrender to the heart and mind. All this time I'm wasting...

My brain has shut down. It's like a stuck record. It just goes on and on and on. The same thoughts, the what if's and should have's... It's destroying me inside out. My friends are about to shun me, I think.

I just need to let it go now. I need to. I'm hoping one day everything will get back to what it was. But doing what we did, mixing friendship and something else (what ever that was) is a devastating blow to us as friends. If friendship is a rope, we broke it by getting involved. Now, by trying to fix what we started we're trying to tie the rope together. But the knot will always be there as a reminder of what we did everytime we look at eachother.

We haven't spoken since the day he told me he couldn't see me. Although, I now know that all he wanted was for me to wait until she went back to Germany. But I felt dumped and I was angry. I definitely think that friendship is out of the window now anyway. I told him very brusquely that I never want to hear from him again. I didn't then, but now, in the light of..well, not being absolutely fuming, I have to say that when we do meet it's going to be too awkward for me to handle, unless we do meet up somewhere neutral to talk. I don't do awkward silences very well. I don't do angry very well either. Eventhough I tend to have a short fuse, it dies out quickly, so this is absolutely killing me. The silence and the non verbal situation between us.

I don't know if he's angry. I hope not. I hope he gets that I wasn't in the wrong telling him where to shove it. I miss him. I miss him saying good morning to me every day. I miss him sending me random songs and text messages. I miss him waking me up with homemade waffles and cloudberry jam... I just miss him...

Weak

I wish these days feeling this shit could just fly by and I'll feel happy again. I just can't stand feeling sad. It's absolutely awful, I hate it. Being soppy is not my thing, and still I'm sitting here...being soppy...

And on top of that I've contacted Mr.E! Not even by mistake. I thought I'd deleted all his numbers and addresses, but I'd forgotten that he'd sent me an e-mail a week ago. I hadn't deleted that. Very bad!

See, the thing with me is, I'm not deleting numbers so to get rid of him per se. I'm deleting numbers and addresses so I won't contact him. And look what happens?!?! God, I can't even stop myself. Not that I left a really tearjerking message. I told him I consider myself somewhat in the right to be angry with him, and that one day we'll probably be on proper speaking terms again, but that I just need time to be angry because he's been such a (at a loss for words....) d*ckweed...

But, I also told him that I miss speaking to him and that that is what saddens me about all this. Losing a friend.

Hedonism (Just Because You Feel Good)

I hope You're feeling happy now
I see You feel no pain at all it seems
I wonder what You're doing now
I wonder if You think of me at all
Do You still play the same moves now?
Or are those special moods for someone else?
I hope You're feeling happy now

Just because You feel good
Doesn't make You right
Just because You feel good
Still want You here tonight

Does laughter still discover You?
I see through all those smiles that look so right
Do You still have the same friends now
To smoke away Your problems and Your life?
How do You remember me?
The one who made You laugh until You cried?
I hope You're feeling happy now

Just because You feel good
Doesn't make You right
Just because You feel good
Still want You here tonight
Want You

I wonder what You're doing now
I hope You're feeling happy now

Skunk Anansie

I'm Not Here For Your Entertainment

Honest to God! If I ever look at a man again, just shoot me down. What is wrong with them?!?! I thought he was a good person, a good person who at the end of the day was a friend and who could be something more. But I was wrong...again...

I thought I was using him a bit as well, but I've slowly realised that was not the case. He's now telling me that he can't see me anymore because this German girl likes him too much. What!?!? She's going back to freaking Germany in less than a week. He doesn't want a relationship with her...but he can't see me because it upsets her.

How about me? What about me getting hurt? What about my feelings? What about the fact that after she's gone we'll be forced to hang out together again?

It's for real this time. He's off my IM-list, my phone and my FB. He's gone. I've told him that this was the last straw. Not to call me again. Not to speak to me again. I don't care if we'll be at the same parties, don't speak to me, don't talk to me, don't even look at me. He will not exist to me ever again. If he thought I was angry with him a while ago he should understand that this is me in a f*cking rage!!!

I was fine before. I felt good. I was happy and content with having Little F and my friends and family. I was fine just having him as a secret crush... Why do I always do this to myself? Playing with fire? When I know I'm only getting hurt in the end.

How To Save A Life

My Mum died of ovarian cancer when I was only one year old. For six years my cousin has struggled with cancer to her intestines and stomach and she has gone through several operations and even ended up staying in a coma for a month due to the illness she's going through. My sister has just been named a survivor of breast cancer after trying to beat it for three years. When will it end?

I might sit here and mope over some guy who might or might not call me back, but how important is it really if he does? Do I honestly care? What is important, really?

At the end of the day, I would give up everything for the people I love. I would give up the love of a man if they would just be well and alive. I would. Wouldn't you for the people you care about?

I'm sitting here wondering what the h*ll I'm doing wasting time on a guy who clearly is a real piece of shite... What do I get out of it? Love? Happiness?

I've spent the last 2 years totally content with what I've got. My beautiful daughter. My family. My friends. What is a man?? What could he possibly give me that my daughter, my family and my friends can't?

I've come to the conclusion...absolutely nothing! Nothing! And to realise that is so annoying... Wasting my time on something that won't fix me, make me happier or leave me content with my life. But it is also relieving...

I'm going to save my own life now... Resurface and breathe again. Let go of the pain. Stay still and just breathe... Feel alive again... My pain and struggles are nothing in comparison to the pain of others... I know I will probably mope again in a few days, old habits hardly ever break. But I will keep in mind what I wrote today. I will keep in mind that there are things far more important than a man to feel alive...

A Multitude Of Casualties

Today I found out that one of my closest friends' Mum has died. Breast cancer. A viscious killer. Not only does it kill the person who it happens to, but it kills the spirit of those around her.

My friends' Mum was like an extra Mother to me and an extra Grandmother to Little F. And it hurts me to think that she's not around us anymore. She was one of those people who always saw something positive in everything and everyone. She never seemed to have a bad day even though she was struggling. I admire her strength and humility. I hope to become more like her.

I think of You L. I think of those You left behind. Your family and Friends. You're in my heart always.

Blue Skies

...I Forgive You ...I Forgive You ...I Forgive You



Strays Don't Sleep

I Will Dare

I've told him how I feel. Not to his face, didn't get the nerve until it was too late. His friend is here now, his "friend", from Germany... They're in his parents cabin in the woods somewhere close to the Norweigan border. And the jealousy is slowly eating me up alive.

He sent me a text yesterday morning saying he misses me and that he was bored with work ( they drove to the cabin last night) and I sent him a text saying that I would like 3 reasons with at least 1 of them better than he's bored at work why he misses me. He sent me one back last night saying that a text message wouldn't be able to contain all the reasons that he misses me....

It made me so angry! Then what the hell is he doing with her?!?!? If that's how he feels he should tell her about me, let us meet and show me that it's me, that I'm the one he wants not her. I called him this morning. He sounded surprised but in a good way... and I wanted to tell him that I like him, that I'm in love with him, that I want us together as a couple and not just as friends, but I choked.

10 minutes later I sent him a text saying all those things....

Challenge....

Ok, I've been challenged, I think =)

5 things in my freezer: broccoli, ice cream, Swedish meatballs, elk meat and ice cubes.

5 things in my wardrobe: a pair of jeans that fit me 2 years ago that I will never stop dreaming getting into again, a lovely new top that I'll probably never wear and 3 turtlenecks in purple, brown and red that I absolutely love and adore now winter is slowly approaching...

5 things in my bathroom: Lancôme toner, Gucci Rush, tooth paste, tooth brush and a Paris Hilton perfume that I love but am so ashamed of owning (which by the way everyone love the smell of when I wear it!!)

I challenge: Nova-san and Deleine

(Hmmm, I think I need to read a few more blogs com to think of it...)

Flight Of The Foo-Foo Birds

I'm sitting here thinking about...well, to be honest, nothing... I don't know really. There is so much going on that thinking seems to be an impossible feat. What can I say? -I really don't know...

(I think I've had too much coffee this morning my heart is pounding and my mouth is dry... Something is different, I can feel it!)

How can a head feel so empty even though it's bursting with thoughts and words and songs and longing? How can a head feel so empty even though friends try to fill it with love and understanding? How can a head feel so empty even though it's flashing images of what I thought was true? What might still be true?

What am I missing? What is it I can't see? Is it the fact that I don't want to recognise the truth...? (Or is it just the plain fact that he's an arse and I just refuse to accept it...?)

Crash Course In Polite Conversations

I really don't know where I stand with Mr.E and I'm still too afraid to ask or say how I feel. He plays the perfect role of a person in love, but his actions are in a different time zone from where his words are, or at least were....

We haven't spoken about our relationship except for the other night when he invited me to a party and I felt that he might've been flirting with this gorgeous brunette. My friend has told me afterwards that he probably wasn't intentionally flirting with her, but that he could've left the conversation a bit sooner. I told him ( a bit tipsy, of course) that if he wanted to go to the club that that girl went to just go ahead, but maybe next time think about not inviting me to a party where he intends to flirt with other women. I laughed when I said this to take the edge of how it sounded ( jealous and horrible...) He told me that he hadn't been flirting and was upset and in the light of day he probably wasn't, but it made me feel a bit insecure... I started giggling out of nervousness then he shook my shoulders a little saying not to laugh and to be serious because he would never do something like that to me. That made a little burst of laughter come out of my mouth. He looked at me with this hurt look in his eyes and said that we'd speak about this later. (We never did, but he told me an hour later that he'd never flirt with someone on purpose.)

Yesterday he told me that he's going to have a friend from Germany staying for a week. He said he stayed with this person when he was over there this summer. This person is a girl!!! Oh no, images of a scantily clad beautiful german girl faffing about his flat drives me up the wall....!!!!

Where is this burst of jealousy coming from?!?!

I'm trying to sound like I couldn't care less, talking about the weather and health of people we know just to keep from shouting Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

I do think he likes me, but I also think he's got no clue what to do with these feelings since he's told himself he wants to be single. Well, so do I, but I'm changing my mind ever so slightly....even though I still freak a little when I think about break ups and heart aches and so on.

I'm going to a friends party this weekend, it'll be great to get my mind off of Mr.E and chill. And I know he's not coming since he's taking his german friend to some cabin in the woods.... Now, when is he going to take me somewhere?!?!?

I know he's not seeing his neighbor anymore, not like he used to. But he's taken her to the movies, and he's taking a german girl to the woods in some romantic cabin.... But me....some parties and he comes over here....I don't know. Am I missing some vital information, like that he's not really interested and using me for his own pleasures....?

I know I should ask, just get it over with and roll with the flow. If it happens it happens and all that!!! But it's so hard because I'm scared of what he'll tell me in the end....

The Name Of The Game

Tanken med utmärkelsen är då att man ska nominera 7 bloggar man tycker extra mycket om. Så här funkar det:1. De nominerade kopierar bilden och lägger på sin blogg.2. Länka till personen du fick nomineringen av.3. Nominera sju bloggar.4. Länka till de bloggar du nominerat.5. Lämna ett meddelande på deras bloggar att de blivit nominerade.
The thought with this award is to nominate 7 blogs you really like. This is how it works: 1. The nominees copies the picture and attatches it to their blog. 2. Link to the person who nominated you. 3. Nominate 7 blogs. 4. Link to the blogs that you nominated. 5. Leave a message on their blogs about their nomination.

1. Deleine
2. Nova
3. Jess

Into You Like A Train

I'm really confused, really messed up and really really really in love....

I haven't been able to write down what's happened the last couple of days because I'm still trying to process it. Mr.E and I have been in contact a few days now, both physically and mentally. We haven't made anything official, we haven't really spoken about it. But a friend of his told me he's really confused (in a good way) about me and what we have.

I'm just too afraid to open up still. I've told him that I'm not seeing anyone else, and he's told me the same. I just need to believe him now. He's come over alot, and I went to see him at work today. None of our friends understands what we're doing....but rest assure, nor do we.

Just can't stop smiling though....

Rest In Pieces

...This hurts deeper than I thought it did...You got much closer than I thought you did...

...Would you find it in your heart to make this go away
And let me rest in pieces...

Saliva

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I have a problem. I thought everything was sorted with school and starting the Police Academy, but I was wrong....I've been wrong quite alot lately....

I've been planning to study by distance tuition, but apparently they've changed where they hold the meetings with the whole group once every 6 weeks, from a town close to where I live all the way down to Stockholm... Where am I supposed to "stash" Little F everytime I go down to Stockholm? And apparently we stay for a week at a time now.

I could get a day care person to take care of her while I'm there, I could try. But where would I get the money from, for the day care person and for Little F's ticket? It's unfortunately really expensive to go on the domestic flights.

Now, I'm not one to give up, but seems like everything I'm trying to do right ends up wrong......

I'm still going to pursue this. I've wanted to become a police officer a very long time, and I do think I'd be great at it. I just don't want to have to wait until Little F is old enough to take care of herself. I mean if worst come to worst I will have to, but I'm certainly going to try to make it work. At least one area of my life needs to get back on track.....

What Is And What Should Never Be

I guess I spoke too soon...silly silly me

Mr.E has been seeing the hot sexy neighbor during the days he wasn't in contact with me. They've gone to the movies. So I guess I'm the girl he uses for sex while hanging out with the neighbor doing "couple-stuff"...

He hasn't promised me anything, and I've told him I don't want to get serious...But I feel really hurt. And I'm thinking, why doesn't he take me to the movies?

I've just IM'd him. Asked him to think about the consequenses of us going too far. I mean he came over tonight to watch a movie and we're holding hands, cuddling, doing a bit of flirting.... I told him that we're in the same group of friends, and if it goes too far, if it gets too much, we still have to hang out, and what if it gets too much...

It's really hard. We're talking right now about what if we wouldn't see each other again. But he said that he'd miss me too much, and that if he'd move (he's thinking about travelling) the only person he'd really miss is me.

God, I don't know... What have we done? So we both have feelings for each other. He told me that he's only hanging out with his neighbor as friends, and I told him that it's really not about her, but us. And if he wants to get down and dirty with someone, maybe it shouldn't be with me anymore. Whatever feelings we have for each other will make things too complicated in the end.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It's done. We're not seeing each other anymore. I'm taking him off my IM-list. No more Mr.E. No more sweet romantic notions. He's sad, and so am I. But I can't switch it off just like that. I've started having stronger feelings for him. Short but sweet, eh, guys? It never even started....

I hope he misses me and I hope he won't be able to be without me. But I know him, he's a guy, and guys switch on and off in a blink of an eye. I sometimes wish I lived in a romantic drama, because in the end the girl always ends up with the guy... Too bad that's not the case, eh?

Are You True?

Mr.E the bastard has been playing games with me! What an arse!! He came to the party I was at on Friday night. I knew he might be there, but I was hoping that he wouldn't show. I'd told my friend to pinch me if I acted immature and upset towards him, because I didn't want him to understand how angry I was. First thing I see as I walk in the room is him. He's leaning against the wall looking absolutely gorgeous. I say hi and walk past him and about 2 seconds later I can feel a pinch in the small of my back. I turn around and my friend is standing there looking angrily at me mouthing "be nice". I know I could've smiled, but hey, he's been avoiding me for a week...

So I'm the one trying to avoid him all night,but I'm being really nice to him and I'm smiling, talking and chit-chatting to him, just to get him to understand that "I'm not upset and I don't care if you're an arse". So, we get to the club and he gets me a shot but we don't really talk. I go to dance and he's just standing by the bar looking pissed off. After an hour he's gone and I just can't believe it!?!?... So, I send him a text. And I get one back straight away saying that some guy pissed him off and he's gone home. He asks me to come back to his, and after a bit of reassuring from my friend I go. She says I need to know why he's been so weird towards me.

I ask him why he's been avoiding me all week, and get this, he tells me he's just wanted to see what and if this means something to me too! I freak out a little telling him that we're just friends and then he freaks out and tells me he didn't mean it the way it sounded. And then we kiss. I guess that means he likes me, and he's been playing me on my own game... I'm just too scared to get hurt by a guy again so I play games, and now I've found out he's doing the same thing.

I stayed the night, we had breakfast, went out for lunch and for a walk. He came over to mine last night and watched a movie. And today he called to see if I wanted breakfast and said if I provide the tea, he'd get the bread.

We're not kissing or anything, and I really don't know where this is going. But I do know one thing...He's as unsure of me as I am of him, and it makes me feel a bit better if that makes any sense...?

Truth Doesn't Make A Noise

Haven't heard from Mr.E since we went to see him over a coffee. Guess that means I'm dumped, even though dumped really isn't the right word for it. We never started anything in the first place, I mean not really, so how can I be dumped? But thing is, I feel dumped.

Luckily I'm going out tomorrow night with my friends, I need some cheering up... How come it feels so empty even though nothing ever really happened? Why do I feel like such an idiot? Such a girl? Such a teenage girl? (Sorry if I offend anyone. Maybe I should be more specific.) I feel like I did when I was a teenaged girl... Like I did when I was a teen idiot who fell for who ever looked me in the eye and smiled at me... (God how pathetic do I sound?)

I know he's working really really hard doing his computer sciency thing, but hey...an IM? Not alot to ask for. And now I feel I can't just IM him, because I don't want to seem like I'm stalking him... I bet it's his neighbor. Or someone else. I need to get him Out Of My Head! A.s.a.p. Not good, not good at all!

Who's Zoomin' Who?

One of my friends and I were going for a brisk walk yesterday with our kids. Mr.E called and asked what we were up to and invitied us for a coffee in case we were passing, which of course we weren't, but since my friend hasn't seen his new flat we decided to take him up on the offer. (Like I would've said no...)

He told me that he'd been to this newly opened gym that had a creche in case I fancied going there with Little F one day. I mean, come on, why would he even bother. I know I'm setting myself up for this one, but he's just so lovely and nice and well mannered it freaks me out!

I was supposed to go see him last night after work, but the last flight was delayed so I didn't get out until 11pm. That's just my luck. I have a night free of children ( Little F was at night nursery) and I can't even get to spend it with a fit guy.... We IM'd when I got home, but I'm so sure his hot and sexy neighbor knocked on his door. Leeeeeaveeee him aloooooone!!!!!!

It's my friends birthday party on Friday. Can't wait. I need to go out flirting a bit or I'll go absolutely mad. I can't sit and wait for Mr.E while he's having all the fun. I've been messaging TSJ a bit too, but he lives in another town, and with the kids we just haven't been able to meet up yet. But can't wait. I just hope he hasn't managed to find someone else before I get there....he's so cute and nice...and single and interested in me....well, a bit at least.

I think I just need to get over Mr.E and realise that lonely or not, maybe we should just be friends before someone (might not be me?!?!) gets hurt. It might end up being his hot and sexy neighbor who gets hurt in the end, and I don't want that. She's only about 21 and is soooo into Mr.E it's unbelieveable. I told him to go easy on her, because she's a young girl. And girls tend to have this romantic notion that even though the guy they like has been upfront about not wanting to get serious, we still think that when he gets to know us he'll change his mind and we'll live happily ever after. And his neighbor is still young enough to live by that notion and believe in it. I still live in that notion too, but I know it's all a bunch of crap!!!

Oh god, I'm sooo lying to myself ( and to you). Of course I won't stop seeing him. He's like a poison! But, I'm taking a stand, and I will not IM him at all....today....