Truth, Bitter Truth

How easy it is to suddenly go from the one "in the right" to the one "in the wrong"... It doesn't happen to me that very often, but when it does I seem to do it with a crashing thunder, a bit of lightning and a big wollop of pain.

My whole heart is aching. Mr.E refuses to speak to me. We had this big misunderstanding on Friday night. I thought he wanted to go off with someone else (a long story I can't be asked to tell right now) and I ended up snogging his cousin for a few lousy seconds on the dance floor to some weird reggae tune. I thought his tongue was trying to find out what I had for breakfast the previous morning and stopped what was going on immediately. I regretted it at once. I was hoping the next morning that it had all been a bad dream - but it wasn't. I had indeed snogged Mr.E's cousin. The Cousin. (Might I add that I was so off my head that The Cousin had to hold me upright to be able to plant that kiss on me?) (And might I also add that Mr.E had stood me up earlier on...which I took as a big brush off - but that to my great discomfort ended up being a big drunken mistake...)

The reasons Mr.E is not speaking to me anymore are several. But mainly because he didn't find out from me, even though I'd had opportunity, he found out from The Cousin. I'd kind of been hoping that it would go away and that The Cousin could keep his big mouth shut. But noooooo, of course not. He told Mr.E nearly straight off.

Most of my friends thinks that he only did what he did to "brand me" so that Mr.E wouldn't go near me, not knowing that Mr.E has already taken my heart away... Mr.E called me up straight away. After asking if it was true he switched his phone off, took me off his IM-list and refused to answer my texts.

Yesterday he told me that we are not friends, we have never been friends and we will never be friends. Now, I know I did a really bad thing, a REALLY bad thing...but so did he. He had some German girl staying with him for a month!!!!! And he now tells me that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me... I gave him another chance. So why can't he do the same for me? Make no mistake, I'm not saying that I'm totally innocent. I did kiss his cousin. But in my mind he'd "dumped" me by then....

He also said that if I have anything to say to him I can to it after Thursday since he's (all of a sudden) too busy at work. But he seems to have time enough to IM all my friends - alot. Broken heart. Broken mind. Broken trust.

This Is The Life

Mr. E and I spent Friday night together trying to be friends. Playing games like scrabble, just enjoying eachother's company again like we used to. It all went well to start with, but due to the vaste amount of wine that we both had, it all got out of hand and we started arguing around 1ish(am). I don't know about what, neither does he. I guess it's just pent up emotions still running around in our veins.

He slept on the sofa, I slept on the bed. We had decided to have a chat about what happened in the morning. But the morning came. He layed down on the bed (we both had our clothes on) and we cuddled. I don't know why we're doing this. I don't know why we can't keep away... But no, no kisses. Just cuddles...Intimate cuddles, but nothing more.

I left in early afternoon, but he came over for a cup of coffee later that night (he's got this huge presentation at work today so he's had to work all weekend, except of course for Friday night). And then he brought lunch yesterday.

Like I said, I don't know what we're doing. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself again. I said he was gonna hurt me, he did. I said I wouldn't speak to him anymore, I did. I don't know if I'm letting him stomp all over me, I don't know if I'm using him for selfish reasons. All I know is I'm happy when I'm with him.

So, this is the life of me. This is the life of someone lonely who doesn't want to be lonely anymore. This is the life of someone who needs someone to hold her. This is the life of a person needing to feel alive again. Weather hurt or used or broken...

Friends

After alot of discussions, late night calls, a heartwarming card and a box of delicious chocolates Mr.E and I have decided to try the friends-card...again. But this time more seriously. We enjoy eachothers' company. And he used to be a really good friend of mine. I don't want to let that go. But he needs to get back into my good books again. And it might be a bit hard. He really did hurt me.

He asked me yesterday what he could do to make things right, and I told him that I honestly don't know. I don't know what he can do, and if there is anything that can be done. All we can do is wait and see what happens.

I feel better now though. A bit happier. Like I've solved the first part of a puzzle. And now I just have to find the rest of the pieces, the easier ones...even though I know that it's now that the hard part begins. The part of letting go of what once were and to start afresh.

Racing Like A Pro

First off, I managed to pass my psychology exam. Nice! I'm thrilled, because I really didn't think I'd make it. It felt good though. Now I just have to try and keep up the good work, but I'm kind of failing already...

Mr.E is sort of back into my life, but I'm not letting down my guard with him again. Yea, it's all fun and games, but I'm never going to trust him ever again. He's even started becoming a bit jealous, but that's his own problem, not mine. We talk, but we haven't met up in a while. The German is gone, and apparently, according to all of his friends he thought good riddens when she left. But as I told him (I screamed at him the other week)I'm not one to have to "wait" to be someones' friend, and if that's all he thinks of me we might as well say goodbye. He started calling me and IM'ing me when she was around, which is what he should've done in the first place.

But I do get his side of it as well now... He told me that I've been so consistent in telling him that we were never friends(which to my dismay I have to say is true) that he thought I didn't care about him and that that made him prioritise the person who he knew cared. I know it sounds weak, and I'm totally using my being Swedish as an excuse. It's hard to explain to make it sound as it did when we spoke... Well, I called him a lamearse and a wuzz. And I told him that if he intends to keep on prioritising some German chick that he might not ever see again we might as well call it quits. So he said that he'd tell her about us, which apparently he did, according to our friends. The fact that she'd seen a text that he sent me saying he misses me didn't go down so well, to say the least. But I guess he should've been a bit more honest with her.

I think they might still be on good speaking terms since she knew that they could only be friends. Which is good. I mean, spite of all this commotion and all the misunderstandings, he's a good person, albeit a bit selfish. But what can I say, so am I!

Every Night Is Another Story

The psychology exam pretty much sucked, but there's always the next time, right?

I've heard from TSJ again. He called me on Saturday night, and we might meet up next weekend. He's a single dad and he's got his daughters next weekend, but maybe for a coffee... It really depends on our children to be honest. I hope we can meet up just us one day. =)

We live in different towns from each other, so it's a bit harder to meet up, espesially with little ones, but it might just be fun. And, I need to get away from Mr.E.

He's still keeping in touch by the way, even though I'm a bit sarcy. I just don't know what I ever saw in him, but isn't that always the case when the pink veil has been lifted from our eyes? But to be honest. I miss what we had, before "the deed". I just wish we'd stayed with that. But no use wishing things undone. He would've probably disappointed me more later on, doing something else. Ah well, such is life (not that I think I'll stop complaining anytime soon...I'm on a roll,man)!!!

Hole In The Head

I have an absolute headfog. Psychology exam tomorrow....My God I'll never pass. I'm in a total state of panic. Nothing seems to stay in my head. I know that Freud was this German dude who did some stuff to some people making it all out to have something to do with lust and aggression (sex basically). And that Skinner liked to get rats to do what ever he wanted by giving them treats...

I'm taking the piss of course, but seriously...Panic!!! I love psychology. But I've managed to forget everything I've learned the past year. Remember that I've been at Uni for a year studying to become a Nursery teacher. Studying Freud and Skinner et al. I even passed an exam there in...you got it, childrens psychology...

Not to mention the other guys, Homburger Ericson and Fritz Perls. Seriously! Headfog. And here I am, writing my blog instead. I knoooooow....

Alright, back to business. Wish me luck - cos I bloody well need it!!!