Freedom

I know I've said it before, and I'm saying it again. But the only difference is: this time I truly mean it. Mr.E is now forever banned from my life (except of course on the odd occasion when we'll be forced to share space when we happen to go to the same parties...since stopping to share a bed together doesn't include dividing our friends up...)

I feel oddly free today. I do feel sad, but free. And sort of happier. I can't do this to Little F anymore. She was getting attached to someone who wasn't going to be there for her in the long run. And I couldn't let that happen.

Trying to be friends with someone who doesn't seem to be able to keep his hands to himself, but still urging me to find someone else, is not the one I need in my life. He's out!! No more.

Weird thing is. I didn't even feel it was necessary to tell him all these things I was feeling. I couldn't even be asked. Enough is enough.

I'm gonna finish off by quoting Rachel from Friends; "We're soooo over!"

She

Soon another Christmas has past. And I don't know where all the years have gone. Little F's fourth Christmas. And she's now turned into quite a lady. My little lady. She's the one thing in my life that's constant. My funny little girl.

On Sunday a celebrity visited our town. He was in the Swedish version of Idol. His name is Markus Fagervall. He's an exceptional singer and I hope he'll do well in the future.

So, we went there to see him sing (I was babysitting my seven-year-old Goddaughter at the time who absolutely adores him, so does Little F). We were going to get them a signed CD as well. Little F has got this stuffed toy called Zippy that she wanted to give him, so we brought it.

We got to the table he was sitting at after he'd sung. The girls said hello and Little F gave him the toy. So far all is good...until we'd walked outside. I looked back at Little F, and there she was, crying her little eyes out. I asked what was wrong. "I want Zippy baaaaaaack", she wailed. So, we had to go all the way back and ask for her toy back. (Highly embarrasing.) Fortunately I had a friend working there selling his CD's, so she got the toy back for us (phew).

Today at school I met my friend, and she told me that Markus had laughed at the situation, saying that it was really funny, this little girl giving him a toy and then taking it back minutes later. He'd said that it was like pulling a rug from under his feet saying; you can't have my toy, you're not good enough. (Haa haha ha)

My little F. My hero. My darling child who always manages to put a smile on my face. I'm so happy that she's here in the world bringing all this happiness into my life.

Trouble Is A Friend

Trouble, He will find You
no matter where You go.
No Matter if You're fast,
no matter if You're slow.
The eye of the storm
and the cry in the morn.
You're fine for a while
but You start to lose control.

He's there in the dark.
He's there in my heart.
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part.
Trouble is a friend,
yea trouble is a friend
of mine.

Trouble is a friend
but trouble is a foe.
And no matter what I feed Him
He always seems to grow.
He sees what I see
and He knows what I know.
So don't forget as You
ease on down the road.

He's there in the dark.
He's there in my heart.
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part.
Trouble is a friend,
yea trouble is a friend
of mine.

So don't be alarmed
if He takes You by the arm.
I won't let Him win,
but I'm a sucker for His charm.
Trouble is a friend,
yea trouble is a friend
of mine.

Oh how I hate the way He makes me feel.
And how I try to make Him leave.
I try.

Lenka

The Riddle

Have you ever really sat down to think about life? Your life? What you want out of if? - I realise that I haven't. Not really. Life is a riddle. And the more I think of it, the harder it gets to get the knack of all the little pieces of the riddle.

So, I sat down tonight with a piece of paper and a pen and tried to scribble down this riddle of mine that is my life. Not the easiest task to follow through. I'm not even half finished. I mean, my life hasn't barely started if you ask me. Well, here goes:

1. A number 1 hit in The US
2. My own football team
3. Become a fire figther
4. Join the police (hopefully soon to be ticked off the list)
5. Be a mother (aaaaa *tick*)
6. Work abroad (*tick*)
8. To be loved (Thanks Nova for reminding me, *tick*)
9. To love (well, I totally include Little F in that, so *tick*)
10.Go on all the rollercoasters in the world

Now, that is my list so far. Not many ticks. But most of these items on my list are from when I was about 11 years old. I need a new one. These are brainshattering matters, if you must know. Urgent. Espesially when I have to study for an exam I have tomorrow....

But let me tell you, no matter how old, I will always want to go on all of those rollercoasters. Cos they're the best. Just like life.

With A Little Help From My Friends

I've come to the conclusion that my hopeless love life has taken up most of my time. I've managed to forget all about my goal in life: to get the grades to get into the Police Academy.

This realisation lies heavy on my shoudlers. How did it happen? (Just a rhetorical question. I know how it happened.) My feelings got the best of me. But no more. I'm back in the game, hopefully not too late.

See, I know myself. And eventhough I'm now an adult (not the words I would use, but hey...) I still make the same mistakes as I did when I was younger. I used to let men define me. I used to let men get the best of me. I used to let men run my life. But no more. As I said, I'm back in the game. Enough is enough and I need to ride right into the eye of the storm that is my grades.

I've now started taking long walks with friends to clear my head (we take a 2-hour walk every other day now, Little F in the buggy) and I've started to feel more and more invigorated for every time. I've lost just under half a stone in a couple of months (5 kilograms) and managed to score a few new muscle groups in the process. Yeey me!

I'm beginning to feel better about myself again. Finally. No man needed to fill that gap. I've done it all by myself (and of course with a little help from my friends - Thank Yous are being handed out to the rightful owners!!!).

Look at me, I'm surfing!!!

The Heart Brings You Back

My birthday has come and gone and so has my sanity. I'm right back where I started. And I honestly don't know how to stop myself. Of course, you think, Mr.E. And yes, it's him...again. Why is it that we can't keep away?

I'm going to quote another Blogger who is one of the greatest that I've read. Her name is Tia and I've linked her blog so that you'll all be able to visit her and become mesmerized by her. She wrote something in her blog that made my heart stop, because eventhough she wrote about being young and reminiscing about that first love, what she wrote in a way also applied to what I'm feeling right now.

"Not knowing where I stand with you makes it worse.
Even though your tongue drips honey coated lies
drips baby I love yous
drips bullshit about your half-assed ambitions
drips sweet silly talk about a future that’ll never be ours.
Complicating it further is that girl we don’t talk about.
/.../
You love her too? Great, good for you.
Lately you've been loving her long-distance from my bed
making me wonder who you’re really thinking of when the lights are out."

From: A Reading from the Book of Tia, Nov 10 2008 http://clevergirlgoesblog.com

It speaks to the heart. It speaks volumes of truth, no matter the age you are. Everyone can feel like that. The insecurity. The hope of being The One. The realisation of that never becoming the truth. The break of a heart.

No matter how hard I try I can't get him out of my head. He's stuck in there. Refusing to leave. He can't just be using me for his own benefits? No man would try this hard. Why would he? He's got other options, so why stick with me?

I can still smell him. I can still feel his touch. I can still feel his heart beating against mine with as much anger and hope and longing.

Aftertaste

This is the new us. We're now friends nothing more. He helps me sending out cv's to get Christmas jobs, and I'm helping out with...well, nothing really... Looking gorgeous so he'll never forget me, I guess. Ha ha ha.

Jokes aside. We've decided to take it slow. He was so hurt by my drunken antics. He nearly cried trying to talk to me. I did remind him about what he did, and that I decided to give him a second chance, and he agreed. I felt really bad, but so did he. He said that he only said what he said as a reaction to what I'd done. And that he wants to be my friend. That he cares for me.

But I'm hurting still. I can't stand not touching him. But this is what we get for playing with fire. This is what we get for playing with our friendship. This is what we get for playing with our emotions. This is the aftertaste of letting passion run our lives.

I know he feels the same way. I know, though he hasn't told me with words. I can see it in his eyes. And I know we will probably fall into the same trap again. Until he leaves.

Chasing Cars

My heart is wanting something, but is it him? -I honestly am too scared to answer that question...because, what if it is?



"If I lay here, if I just lay here. Would You lie with me and just forget the world?"
Snow Patrol

We Might As Well Be Strangers

After nearly a week of radio silence he's sent me a text saying he misses me. I guess the anger has subsided. We've decided to meet up tomorrow night to talk. We've hurt each other so much the past few months there is probably not much we can say...

I miss him too. I miss him immensly. I hurt him. But he's also hurt me. He's had a few days to think and so have I. But what is there really left to salvage? There is no room for relationship. He's been straight about that from the start, and so have I. But I've changed my mind. I WANT a relationship. But would I want one with him? - I'm not too sure. But I want one. He's opened my eyes to something I'd hidden away, deep inside of me. This longing to love and to be loved. I told him this last week, before he found out about The Cousin.

It feels like my nerve endings are attached to the outside of my body. I'm hurting all over. I can't sleep and I can't eat. My studies has gone straight down the pan. My brain is scattered all over the floor and I'm desperately trying to pick up the pieces of what's left.

My friends tells me the reason he's been in contact with them is because he misses me and wants to know how I am, but that his pride is dented and he needs some time to melt what I did to him. They're reminding me that he's doing excactly what I did when I found out about The German. Which is true.

It feels like I've been unfaithful. I've never had to go through such feelings before. But we were never in a relationship. He's been very upfront telling me he doesn't want one, yet he treats it like I've gone behind his back. He's acting like a person in a relationship who's partner has been unfaithful. What does that mean?

He's seen in me a person he thought I was. I've ruined that picture for him. I'm a human being, not just someone who will be there for him. But a person who wants him to be there for me too. Will he be able to in the end?