That's What You Get

For 2 days I've tried to avoid staring at my phone, my computer and myself. What have I done? This feeling of absolute surrender to the heart and mind. All this time I'm wasting...

My brain has shut down. It's like a stuck record. It just goes on and on and on. The same thoughts, the what if's and should have's... It's destroying me inside out. My friends are about to shun me, I think.

I just need to let it go now. I need to. I'm hoping one day everything will get back to what it was. But doing what we did, mixing friendship and something else (what ever that was) is a devastating blow to us as friends. If friendship is a rope, we broke it by getting involved. Now, by trying to fix what we started we're trying to tie the rope together. But the knot will always be there as a reminder of what we did everytime we look at eachother.

We haven't spoken since the day he told me he couldn't see me. Although, I now know that all he wanted was for me to wait until she went back to Germany. But I felt dumped and I was angry. I definitely think that friendship is out of the window now anyway. I told him very brusquely that I never want to hear from him again. I didn't then, but now, in the light of..well, not being absolutely fuming, I have to say that when we do meet it's going to be too awkward for me to handle, unless we do meet up somewhere neutral to talk. I don't do awkward silences very well. I don't do angry very well either. Eventhough I tend to have a short fuse, it dies out quickly, so this is absolutely killing me. The silence and the non verbal situation between us.

I don't know if he's angry. I hope not. I hope he gets that I wasn't in the wrong telling him where to shove it. I miss him. I miss him saying good morning to me every day. I miss him sending me random songs and text messages. I miss him waking me up with homemade waffles and cloudberry jam... I just miss him...