Ava Adore

...You'll always be my whore
Cause You're the one that I adore
And I'll pull Your crooked teeth
You'll be perfect just like me

In You I feel so Dirty
In You I crash Cars
In You I feel so Pretty
In You I taste God...

(Smashing Pumpkins)

So it has happened. Mr.E and me. The sexual tension that I thought I'd felt actually did exist. This past Friday he asked me to come over for a few drinks with friends. I felt a bit of flirting but was put off the scent a bit since he told me about the sexy neighbour. I still do think he's just trying to make me jealous with her, and he keeps on asking me about TSJ quite alot.

Sitting out on the balcony I could feel his hand on the small of my back gently touching me, but just a flicker so I thought I must've imagined it. We went out to the club, sat down at a table. Looked at each other and stood up almost straight away. We walked over to the dancefloor. Started kissing immediately. Took each others hands and walked out of the club, straight back to his flat...and well, you can guess the rest. What a waste of the door charge, you might think...

He asked me not to leave as abruptly as last time, but I told him that that would probably happen. He told me that he'd wanted this all this time, but was too afraid to pick up the nerve. That he had been unsure if I wanted this too. And then of course Girlfriend I & II got in the way. I can't explain it properly but it felt so right, even though I knew in my heart that it was wrong.

I don't want my heart to break, but I know it will. I'm too old to feel like this. I should be mature and capable to turn feelings on and off and just treat this for what it was. A mutual-friend-shag!

He also told me that he knew The Cousin has got feelings for me, but because I've made it clear that they are not reciprocated and we're all adults that that shouldn't stand in our way. But in our way of what? He's made it absolutely clear that he's not ready for anything serious. But spite of what he says I think he might be getting serious with his neighbour soon...

My friend says he's playing me, and of course he is, I'm letting him...I hadn't had sex in two years, I'd wanted Mr.E to take my "virginity" since I got back from London. And now that he has, I wish that he hadn't... He came over on Saturday. We decided it best to meet up to make sure that there are no weird feelings. We both think that our friendship is too valuable. But when he arrived we had nothing to say to each other. I also knew that he was going to a party with the sexy neighbour so it kind of put this uncomfortable wall between us.

But after he left he IM'd me when he got home, and we talked just like we used to pre-shag and he sent me a few songs. And this morning as I was getting ready he IM'd me again. Trying to help me find the books I need for school. See, weird... I'm probably reading too much inte everything, but he confuses me.

My friend also said that getting into bed with a friend is stupid, someone always gets hurt (me!) and because we hang out with the same group of people it's going to get weird. I know all of this and still I took the step from friends flirting to friends doing the dirty...

Yes, I know I've made a mistake. I do regret it...a bit. But it was going to happen one of these days anyways...Everyone around us has seen it... The only reason that I regret it though is because I'm going to get hurt. But on the other hand I think it was totally worth every second of it. Would I do it again is the question I'm asking myself? - Of course!!!! It wasn't a minute too soon or I would've burst!!!