After nearly a week of radio silence he's sent me a text saying he misses me. I guess the anger has subsided. We've decided to meet up tomorrow night to talk. We've hurt each other so much the past few months there is probably not much we can say...
I miss him too. I miss him immensly. I hurt him. But he's also hurt me. He's had a few days to think and so have I. But what is there really left to salvage? There is no room for relationship. He's been straight about that from the start, and so have I. But I've changed my mind. I WANT a relationship. But would I want one with him? - I'm not too sure. But I want one. He's opened my eyes to something I'd hidden away, deep inside of me. This longing to love and to be loved. I told him this last week, before he found out about The Cousin.
It feels like my nerve endings are attached to the outside of my body. I'm hurting all over. I can't sleep and I can't eat. My studies has gone straight down the pan. My brain is scattered all over the floor and I'm desperately trying to pick up the pieces of what's left.
My friends tells me the reason he's been in contact with them is because he misses me and wants to know how I am, but that his pride is dented and he needs some time to melt what I did to him. They're reminding me that he's doing excactly what I did when I found out about The German. Which is true.
It feels like I've been unfaithful. I've never had to go through such feelings before. But we were never in a relationship. He's been very upfront telling me he doesn't want one, yet he treats it like I've gone behind his back. He's acting like a person in a relationship who's partner has been unfaithful. What does that mean?
He's seen in me a person he thought I was. I've ruined that picture for him. I'm a human being, not just someone who will be there for him. But a person who wants him to be there for me too. Will he be able to in the end?
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2 comments:
If you wernt in a relationship then he is being unfair and your being unfair on yourself by beating yourself up about it too. If i had a male friend who acted this way because i had kissed someone else drunk or sober , i would be sitting him down and asking why was acting like this. Asking what was going on. In my eyes if im not in a relationship with anyone then i can do actually whatever i want . I think he is being a bully and being very controlling over you which he has not right to do and not how a true friend really acts.
From quickly reading the recent posts it looks like everytime your together you fall out. I know relationships ( friendships as well and intimate ones) need working on but surely if just spendig time together causes missunderstandings this tells you something.
You say you want a relationship but not sure if with him? Dont let your feelings for wanting this cloud whats going on and falsely make you want someone who isnt right for you.
Im not much help but i think its time to for you to stop and think what you want. Take time to figure it out. If it takes weeks, months whatever. If he is the right one he will still be there and would understand.
Thanks for your great comment Confessions. And I see your point. Might I add that we only argue when a bit intoxicated, not good but there are so many feelings between us that we don't speak out loud, we both know this, and that's why we argue when drunk. We're insecure about eachother's feelings.
We've tried to just be friends after being involved. I guess it's hard, because we do care so much about eachother. we're having a big talk tonight, but i don't know if we'll have anything to say to eachother any more. We hurt eachother...alot. But as i said, there is a reason we do that... It's only so unfortunate, because he used to be a great friend to me, and what we've done has ruined that friendship. We've been trying to get back on track, but seem to always end up cuddling.
We'll see after tonight.
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